Kairos, processing.

I could reflect on Kairos for days... But I'll try to limit myself...

I just need to get things down so that I don't forget how I feel about them in the moment.

I am fresh from a retreat with my students, sophomores through seniors, several of which I consider myself to have close relationships with. Soccer players, campus ministry kids, students, advisees. 

I just need to get down in words just how humbled I am by one particular student. 

I have known this student since he was a freshman who used to sneak into my advisory. I've never taught him - which I think is actually an advantage in this case. I have served largely as his advocate and a confidant... I think I know and can speak for who he really is. This is particularly important to me because he often doesn't show this image to the greater school community. 

That being said, I know that he respects and appreciates my help and guidance - but never knew how deeply until this weekend. I gave a talk about sacraments this weekend and in place of mentioning the  official sacraments, I talked more about those people who are sacraments in my life (visible signs of God's invisible grace). This, unexpectedly, led into a large group discussion among participants and leaders about who are sacraments to them. Students mentioned parents, friends, significant others - and really beautifully they explained who was God to them in their lives. If you can predict where this is going, said student mentioned me. 

To say the least, I was not expecting it. He went on to say that despite the trouble he may or may not get into, I have always supported him. He said that I am a sacrament in his life because I image God to him (paraphrased), and have shown him love and grace. I wish I could remember the exact words - because it pretty much killed me. He also affirmed me during large group affirmations saying that I am patient and caring to the people around me but have especially been good to him. Again, I wish I had a mental tape recorder, but I had to look away in order not to cry more than I had already throughout the weekend.

I don't mention this to say, "Oh look how great I am." Seriously. It's just hard with kids sometimes to understand if you are doing too much, if they think you're pushing too far, or if they are even listening. This was just providential confirmation that my influence on this one soul was worthwhile to him. That it mattered. 

After a couple of challenging weeks at school - I had been praying a lot for and about this situation. What I should be doing for him, what he really needed. God spoke through him so evidently, saying, "I don't say this to many people so you know I mean it - but I really love you and hope that even after I graduate we will stay in touch." 

Sort of tearing up recalling this. 

God just loves me so much, and really is too good to me. 

Another student I am close to was a leader on this retreat. She wrote a letter of affirmation to me. Aside from the fact that it was brilliantly and beautifully written, it was literally words of God to me. 

The text of her letter described when she first spoke to me, and how I was the one teacher in the school she didn't know coming in. Providentially again, I was given her as an advisee. 

Though I know we are close, I again second-guess the level of support she needs. Her letter explained the effect I've had on her life, and explained how I "appear confident" and always seem to be "in the right place." She then included this line....

"You are in the right place, Ms. Hughes." 

I want to be as good as these kids think I am. I want to live up to their expectations. 

Maybe that's how God speaks to me through them. God sees me like these kids do, and I need to recognize my worth more. 

Speaking of vocation like I have been praying about lately, a fellow teacher wrote this to me...

"You live the Gospel and your vocation as a teacher is just so obviously the perfect fit." 

Amen, just tons of amens. It's crazy how small steps and even failures get you to the place God calls you to be. And when it is a good fit, oh man - how good it is.