Ache.

Decided it was useless to have a blog to talk about school and a separate blog to reflect on my life. School is a big part of my life, so merging this all into one certainly makes sense. So here goes...

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I have long heard the idea that each of us is created with a God-shaped hole built within us. It reminds me a little of the Shel Silverstein poem, The Missing Piece:

I understand the concept of this God-shaped hole, or missing piece. This hole is God-shaped; we are built, designed, created with a unique, unquenchable desire for God. (C.S. Lewis explains it as such...)

Try as we might to fill it and satisfy ourselves with other things, we fall short. I have taught this concept to kids at LIFE TEEN, asking them to reflect on what they are trying to fill this hole with, what the world tells them will make them happy. I see it reflected in the lives of my students who are hypnotized by the temporary highs the world offers. Take one look at the magazines in the grocery store as you checkout. "Unhappy? Unsatisfied? Well then fix it." And here's how: sex, gossip, materialism, consumerism and vanity. We are force-fed the idea, daily, that we are somehow faulty and if we want to fix it, if we want to be "like the happy people," we should somehow ascribe to what the general accepted idea of happiness is. (It comes in many forms - beautiful, thin, athletic, desirable, smart, successful, wealthy, sexy.) 

Have you ever realized that nothing ever works? Sure, it may satisfy for a while - but when its luster fades, you are back to restlessness. 

I'd like to think that I get this idea, that I don't buy into it. And there are times when I can recognize the lie and reject it. But there are times I cannot. I fall into the trap of insecurity, of envy, of shame. 

And there's the ache. 

Nothing satisfies. We (I) keep thrashing, and spending, and fantasizing about the life we want to live and all the while we are unsatisfied. Aching. 

I have, in the past, felt a certain pang of ache. I am generally a nervous, insecure individual (working on it) so I generally attribute this feeling to the "butterflies" in my stomach that occur when I am anticipating something that will pull me from my comfort zone. However lately, I can touch this ache more acutely. 

It's an actual feeling, physically, somewhere within myself (almost at my core). And I am never sure how to remedy it. 

I became more aware of this throughout the triduum masses this weekend, particularly the Easter Vigil. It is usually a feeling that makes me long for the comfort of home, the privilege to crawl into my bed and just be. It's a cross between a desire to hide and a desire to feel love. 

The ache. 

It could go either way, I guess. Draw you inward on yourself, becoming more reclusive. Or it could draw you to God. What it is intended for. The irony is that this desire to feel love is exactly what is offered in a personal relationship with Christ. Love is found in Love itself. 

I'm not sure how that works just yet, how to turn this inexhaustible ache into a positive. I get the sense that God is drawing me closer, I'm just working on responding well. 

I'm not completely sure what this means yet, I'm just glad that I can finally touch this feeling of ache and not run from it. When I feel insecure, or left out from all the things, people, and places I feel entitled to - I will try to respond to that ache by leaning into God's grace, God's love. 

One of the responsorial psalms from the Vigil seems apropos - psalm 42:2-3

As the deer longs for streams of water, so my soul longs for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, the living God. 

Happy Easter.