Not in a bad, worried, stressed, anxious way - in a wonderful, holy, full way.
I am overwhelmed by the goodness of God.
I come to school each day tired, sometimes stressed, but always happy and deliriously appreciative of the chance I have to be a part of my student's lives. I think most of my non-teacher friends (and realistically some of my teacher friends) think I'm crazy, but I really and seriously love each of my students.
When I first started student teaching, I wanted to be a good teacher, I wanted to be confident, but most of all I wanted to get through each day. I counted down the periods to the end of the day and loved the kids I met, but it was about what I could do to get out of there.
My first year of teaching it got better, more invested in the kids, feeling a little better. Looking back, this first official year was by far my worst, performance wise and happiness wise. The school was not a good fit for me and with hindsight I can see this fact clearly.
When I got to Trinity, I was so excited to be a part of a community that was just that - a real community. I loved my students, but I still counted down - more in the form of days until the next vacation or simply until the weekends.
At SJP, I am overwhelmed by joy. I love the community of this place. I love the leadership and vision of my school - both the lay administration and the Sisters of St. Joseph who sponsor us. But most of all I love its students. The young men and women I encounter on a daily basis amaze me with their lives, their struggles, and their successes.
I have never had a job where I am excited to go to work everyday, let alone one that I look forward to coming back to after a two month hiatus.
This comes back to my idea that this place, and this occupation is really much more of a vocation.
When I was talking to a friend about whether or not to step away from youth ministry for a while in order to more focus on school, we discussed the topic of spirits of consolation and desolation. Briefly, this is the idea that when you are where God wants you to be, you feel it and it feels right, conversely, if you are not - you feel despair. Sometimes when discerning a choice you have to just try it out and see what feelings may come. So that's what I did. I stepped away and stepped more deeply into my place at SJP.
I could not be more happy at the moment. I think it's a combination of factors really, but I have never felt in my life that I am right where I need to be (in more ways than one). Life is not perfect and there are many things I still want to do, but as of the moment, I feel content.
As I sat in an assembly about bullying, depression, and teen suicide - I was heartbroken but also felt deeply connected to the community of individuals that surrounded me (resulting in a large amount of tears, for better or for worse). I sat in the midst of my eleventh grade advisory, next to a student that I've had as a teacher and/or advisor for 3 years, who named me as an example of faith in his life (an honor I'm sure I don't deserve but am deeply humbled by), behind a international student and football player who wiped away tears with his tie as I sat in awe of the young man he has become since September of 2011 when I first met him, and in proximity to countless young souls that can only begin to describe as phenomenal, inspirational, lovable individuals. The more I thought about this honor, the more teary I got.
To finish this rambling, nonsensical post - I'll end with a short conversation I had with a student after school. As I am fairly close to this girl, we were discussing how the year was going and how it felt different this year - for both of us. She told me I was different this year, happier but also more sensitive. I agreed and told her, I just know that I am exactly where God wants me to be, and I'm just so thankful for that. Reflecting, I should have also said what I feel within - deeply in awe of the providence and love of God.
Just so much love today.
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