The reason for my hope.

I feel a little guilty giving this post the title, "The reason for my hope," given that it was in this past Sunday's second reading... and quite obviously, Christ is the reason for my hope. That being said, the reason for my hope in youth, in education, and in my career is really the students I encounter daily at SJP.

No school is perfect, and ours certainly has its share of faults and shortcomings. However, the students whose lives I am so honored to be a part of leave me speechless sometimes. The community of young people that have come together to form this school are really remarkable. In the past couple of weeks, this point has really become evident for me - my students are amazing.

In reflecting on this year, the things that have happened and what my kids have accomplished really could not happen anywhere else.

Here's just a few things...

- The prom this year, though quite stressful at times, was a success in so many ways. Minimal complaints this year, good food, great photos - but an even better group of kids. I was so impressed by how our kids treat each other, whether it was the girls gushing over how gorgeous each one looked - even if that girl was not one of their typical "friends", or the boys posing with each other for pictures. My advisory willingly gathered each one that was there to take a "Hughesgang prom photo"... Such a mixed group of kids so excited to take a picture together.

Arguably the best moment for me, however, was the awarding of prom king and queen. I think teachers aren't supposed to have favorites - so we'll say that I don't, but I'm not sure this vote of kids could be any closer to my ideal choices than it was. The young man and woman who were chosen are among the best kids I have ever taught. One an international student who impresses me daily with his intelligence, wit, and faith. He was voted this honor with a huge majority of the votes. I could never have imagined something like this happening - international student, first language other than English, however universally liked and by all types of kids, from all different "groups" of students. In my high school it never would have. In most schools, it never would have. The other student is one whom I have taught and coached. She is another, liked by all, kind to all. Hers was the class that I looked forward to my first year teaching high school because I knew I could count on their respect and openness to learning. And best yet - they are good friends. A friendship that in most schools just wouldn't happen. I seriously could not have chosen a better pair to win, if I had hand picked this myself. 

- That is what is so remarkable about the community I work within. Unlikely occurances become the norm. A prom king from Korea, a homecoming king from the Ukraine. Chosen by their peers - international and domestic alike. Both remarkable individuals who deserve nothing less.

- With graduation in a day and half I have been reflecting on how much I will miss this class. Many of these students I have had in class for the past three years. I cannot imagine teaching without having them there. 

... 

Update. 

Tuesday - Baccalaureate Mass and Senior Awards

Wednesday - Graduation

More so today than yesterday, pretty much cried a river of tears. 

I'm not sure why this class' graduation hit me so much harder than last years, maybe it was just the extra year with them. Or maybe it was just the fact that have formed such close bonds with some of the kids in this class. 

...Or maybe it is just that there are kids in this class who have:

- Reminded me why I wanted to be a teacher

- Reaffirmed my desire to work in a school like SJP... a private, Catholic school where each person is known and cared for; a school with a population of international students that seamlessly integrate themselves into our community; a place where I can know and am known.

- Taught me what it means to show real Christian love, and to want to love better

- Inspired me daily

Time passes so quickly and I just can't fathom that the sophomores I looked forward to teaching everyday in my first year of teaching high school have now graduated. And more importantly, have now matured into fantastic people as well. 

That being said, it doesn't make it much easier to say goodbye to a student who I may or may not ever see again. That fact hurts. 

I know that I am better because I have known these kids.

I could make a dollar a day and still want to be in this career because I get to know students like these. 

Here's just a few pictures to show what kinds of kids I'm talking about. 

In some of these pictures I can see my eyes are a little red... Tried to get together as best I could.

Going to bed with a heavy but full heart tonight.

Ache.

Decided it was useless to have a blog to talk about school and a separate blog to reflect on my life. School is a big part of my life, so merging this all into one certainly makes sense. So here goes...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have long heard the idea that each of us is created with a God-shaped hole built within us. It reminds me a little of the Shel Silverstein poem, The Missing Piece:

I understand the concept of this God-shaped hole, or missing piece. This hole is God-shaped; we are built, designed, created with a unique, unquenchable desire for God. (C.S. Lewis explains it as such...)

Try as we might to fill it and satisfy ourselves with other things, we fall short. I have taught this concept to kids at LIFE TEEN, asking them to reflect on what they are trying to fill this hole with, what the world tells them will make them happy. I see it reflected in the lives of my students who are hypnotized by the temporary highs the world offers. Take one look at the magazines in the grocery store as you checkout. "Unhappy? Unsatisfied? Well then fix it." And here's how: sex, gossip, materialism, consumerism and vanity. We are force-fed the idea, daily, that we are somehow faulty and if we want to fix it, if we want to be "like the happy people," we should somehow ascribe to what the general accepted idea of happiness is. (It comes in many forms - beautiful, thin, athletic, desirable, smart, successful, wealthy, sexy.) 

Have you ever realized that nothing ever works? Sure, it may satisfy for a while - but when its luster fades, you are back to restlessness. 

I'd like to think that I get this idea, that I don't buy into it. And there are times when I can recognize the lie and reject it. But there are times I cannot. I fall into the trap of insecurity, of envy, of shame. 

And there's the ache. 

Nothing satisfies. We (I) keep thrashing, and spending, and fantasizing about the life we want to live and all the while we are unsatisfied. Aching. 

I have, in the past, felt a certain pang of ache. I am generally a nervous, insecure individual (working on it) so I generally attribute this feeling to the "butterflies" in my stomach that occur when I am anticipating something that will pull me from my comfort zone. However lately, I can touch this ache more acutely. 

It's an actual feeling, physically, somewhere within myself (almost at my core). And I am never sure how to remedy it. 

I became more aware of this throughout the triduum masses this weekend, particularly the Easter Vigil. It is usually a feeling that makes me long for the comfort of home, the privilege to crawl into my bed and just be. It's a cross between a desire to hide and a desire to feel love. 

The ache. 

It could go either way, I guess. Draw you inward on yourself, becoming more reclusive. Or it could draw you to God. What it is intended for. The irony is that this desire to feel love is exactly what is offered in a personal relationship with Christ. Love is found in Love itself. 

I'm not sure how that works just yet, how to turn this inexhaustible ache into a positive. I get the sense that God is drawing me closer, I'm just working on responding well. 

I'm not completely sure what this means yet, I'm just glad that I can finally touch this feeling of ache and not run from it. When I feel insecure, or left out from all the things, people, and places I feel entitled to - I will try to respond to that ache by leaning into God's grace, God's love. 

One of the responsorial psalms from the Vigil seems apropos - psalm 42:2-3

As the deer longs for streams of water, so my soul longs for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, the living God. 

Happy Easter.

Kairos, processing.

I could reflect on Kairos for days... But I'll try to limit myself...

I just need to get things down so that I don't forget how I feel about them in the moment.

I am fresh from a retreat with my students, sophomores through seniors, several of which I consider myself to have close relationships with. Soccer players, campus ministry kids, students, advisees. 

I just need to get down in words just how humbled I am by one particular student. 

I have known this student since he was a freshman who used to sneak into my advisory. I've never taught him - which I think is actually an advantage in this case. I have served largely as his advocate and a confidant... I think I know and can speak for who he really is. This is particularly important to me because he often doesn't show this image to the greater school community. 

That being said, I know that he respects and appreciates my help and guidance - but never knew how deeply until this weekend. I gave a talk about sacraments this weekend and in place of mentioning the  official sacraments, I talked more about those people who are sacraments in my life (visible signs of God's invisible grace). This, unexpectedly, led into a large group discussion among participants and leaders about who are sacraments to them. Students mentioned parents, friends, significant others - and really beautifully they explained who was God to them in their lives. If you can predict where this is going, said student mentioned me. 

To say the least, I was not expecting it. He went on to say that despite the trouble he may or may not get into, I have always supported him. He said that I am a sacrament in his life because I image God to him (paraphrased), and have shown him love and grace. I wish I could remember the exact words - because it pretty much killed me. He also affirmed me during large group affirmations saying that I am patient and caring to the people around me but have especially been good to him. Again, I wish I had a mental tape recorder, but I had to look away in order not to cry more than I had already throughout the weekend.

I don't mention this to say, "Oh look how great I am." Seriously. It's just hard with kids sometimes to understand if you are doing too much, if they think you're pushing too far, or if they are even listening. This was just providential confirmation that my influence on this one soul was worthwhile to him. That it mattered. 

After a couple of challenging weeks at school - I had been praying a lot for and about this situation. What I should be doing for him, what he really needed. God spoke through him so evidently, saying, "I don't say this to many people so you know I mean it - but I really love you and hope that even after I graduate we will stay in touch." 

Sort of tearing up recalling this. 

God just loves me so much, and really is too good to me. 

Another student I am close to was a leader on this retreat. She wrote a letter of affirmation to me. Aside from the fact that it was brilliantly and beautifully written, it was literally words of God to me. 

The text of her letter described when she first spoke to me, and how I was the one teacher in the school she didn't know coming in. Providentially again, I was given her as an advisee. 

Though I know we are close, I again second-guess the level of support she needs. Her letter explained the effect I've had on her life, and explained how I "appear confident" and always seem to be "in the right place." She then included this line....

"You are in the right place, Ms. Hughes." 

I want to be as good as these kids think I am. I want to live up to their expectations. 

Maybe that's how God speaks to me through them. God sees me like these kids do, and I need to recognize my worth more. 

Speaking of vocation like I have been praying about lately, a fellow teacher wrote this to me...

"You live the Gospel and your vocation as a teacher is just so obviously the perfect fit." 

Amen, just tons of amens. It's crazy how small steps and even failures get you to the place God calls you to be. And when it is a good fit, oh man - how good it is. 

the goodness of God.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

Not in a bad, worried, stressed, anxious way - in a wonderful, holy, full way.

I am overwhelmed by the goodness of God.

I come to school each day tired, sometimes stressed, but always happy and deliriously appreciative of the chance I have to be a part of my student's lives. I think most of my non-teacher friends (and realistically some of my teacher friends) think I'm crazy, but I really and seriously love each of my students.

When I first started student teaching, I wanted to be a good teacher, I wanted to be confident, but most of all I wanted to get through each day. I counted down the periods to the end of the day and loved the kids I met, but it was about what I could do to get out of there.

My first year of teaching it got better, more invested in the kids, feeling a little better. Looking back, this first official year was by far my worst, performance wise and happiness wise. The school was not a good fit for me and with hindsight I can see this fact clearly.

When I got to Trinity, I was so excited to be a part of a community that was just that - a real community. I loved my students, but I still counted down - more in the form of days until the next vacation or simply until the weekends.

At SJP, I am overwhelmed by joy. I love the community of this place. I love the leadership and vision of my school - both the lay administration and the Sisters of St. Joseph who sponsor us. But most of all I love its students. The young men and women I encounter on a daily basis amaze me with their lives, their struggles, and their successes.

I have never had a job where I am excited to go to work everyday, let alone one that I look forward to coming back to after a two month hiatus.

This comes back to my idea that this place, and this occupation is really much more of a vocation.

When I was talking to a friend about whether or not to step away from youth ministry for a while in order to more focus on school, we discussed the topic of spirits of consolation and desolation. Briefly, this is the idea that when you are where God wants you to be, you feel it and it feels right, conversely, if you are not - you feel despair. Sometimes when discerning a choice you have to just try it out and see what feelings may come. So that's what I did. I stepped away and stepped more deeply into my place at SJP. 

I could not be more happy at the moment. I think it's a combination of factors really, but I have never felt in my life that I am right where I need to be (in more ways than one). Life is not perfect and there are many things I still want to do, but as of the moment, I feel content. 

As I sat in an assembly about bullying, depression, and teen suicide - I was heartbroken but also felt deeply connected to the community of individuals that surrounded me (resulting in a large amount of tears, for better or for worse). I sat in the midst of my eleventh grade advisory, next to a student that I've had as a teacher and/or advisor for 3 years, who named me as an example of faith in his life (an honor I'm sure I don't deserve but am deeply humbled by), behind a international student and football player who wiped away tears with his tie as I sat in awe of the young man he has become since September of 2011 when I first met him, and in proximity to countless young souls that can only begin to describe as phenomenal, inspirational, lovable individuals. The more I thought about this honor, the more teary I got. 

To finish this rambling, nonsensical post - I'll end with a short conversation I had with a student after school. As I am fairly close to this girl, we were discussing how the year was going and how it felt different this year - for both of us. She told me I was different this year, happier but also more sensitive. I agreed and told her, I just know that I am exactly where God wants me to be, and I'm just so thankful for that. Reflecting, I should have also said what I feel within - deeply in awe of the providence and love of God. 

Just so much love today.  

Sunday

"It's moments like this that make this place more than a school."

Homecoming Week

Just riding the high of a great, great week at SJP. 

Here are some highlights: 

• Girl's soccer qualified for states with a 5-0 shut out against Pope John
• My advisory successfully dressed up as Greek Gods and wore sheets vaguely shaped into togas
• Pep rally was great!
• Obviously saving the most exciting for last - the boys football team won their first game!

I'm leaving this week so proud of my students and so humbled at the opportunity to be a part of their lives. 

Because I analyze nearly everything, this week has made me reflect on a lot of things - mainly, how I feel about life and place and my reactions. 

I realized a few things. 

1. I am competitive and protective of my students. 

I'm not a huge sports fan, and not a diehard follower of many teams. I don't yell at the TV or attend many live games. I enjoy them - just not always at the top of my life. However, I attend countless SJP games, mostly our soccer games at the moment. I get WAY too invested in these games, for better or for worse. It makes me crazy when opposing players insult our kids or when their coach implies they've done anything wrong. 

I sat on the sidelines of a boys soccer game this or last week and happened to be near some parents of players on the opposing team. They were accusing one of our seniors of cheating and our kids of playing dirty - I had to actually turn away... for fear I was shooting eye-daggers at them (I don't hide disdain well). 

2. I need to pray for my students more. 

It's become clear to me recently that several of my students live complicated, challenging lives. I guess we all do. I've had several serious conversations about friend's choices, difficult parents, worries about not being "good enough" for any number of reasons. I also know that high school students have a lot of important choices to make and are put in a lot of situations where they have to make big decisions in the blink of an eye. I need to do less freaking out about their safety and more praying for their care. I've known some of these kids for 3 years now and I feel pretty invested in their lives, so I want to be sure I'm doing the best for them I can. To me this involves challenging them to be the best versions of their selves they can (morally, academically, spiritually, physically, etc) - but also involves praying for them. I can do both better. 

3. I know that I am exactly where I need to be in this present moment. 

I'm blanking on where I heard this first, it's either from my Jesuit professor at BC or something lifeteen related... 

There's this idea of "leaning into God's grace," that figuring out our lives is less about searching and striving and constantly freaking out about where I'm supposed to be, etc, and more about doing small things that lead you to where you are called/needed. Making small choices that you feel are right and trusting in the slow work of God is more effective than worrying and making yourself crazy. When we "lean into God's grace" we naturally act more in sync with his plan for our lives. Sort of like the idea of habit. The more you do something and make choices that are in line with your life and vocation, the easier it is to keep on that path. 

I finally feel like I'm in this tide of grace. I feel vocationally called to teaching and the lives of my students and SJP, and this week has been huge confirmation of that. I am obviously too emotional, but I nearly cried when the football team won. Where else can I feel that way and it be okay ;)?

Restart!

Just sorting through old websites, etc. and came across this blog. I think I started it after I started teaching middle school as a way of reflecting on teaching, my students, and God's call to me through my vocation/occupation of teaching.

I posted twice. Whoooops.

So here's my attempt at making this happen again. I am so overflowingly (don't think that's a word) happy and fulfilled in my current school and position and want to make sure I'm reflecting on it and how God is calling and guiding me in this place.

I also found a blog that I attempted called "Stuff My Students Say." I'm going to try to post those things on here, too. Two blogs, no waiting, all in one place :). (Here's the only post from that http://stuffmystudentssaylbh.blogspot.com/2011/11/durability.html ...LOVE that kid.)

I'm going to start by explaining the title of this blog, why it stuck out to me, and why I'm not changing it.

The Latin phrase (how I LOVE Latin is another story), "Magister adest et vocat te," translates to "The teacher is here and He is calling you." I first saw this above the altar in the chapel at the Pastoral Center for the Archdiocese of Boston in Braintree. It struck me, obviously, because it has the word "teacher" in it, but also because I love the identification of Christ as teacher. (Savior, Master, Messiah, Friend - I like them all...) I love the idea that Christ is constantly teaching us - in so many ways. I learn most effectively through doing, so I think that Christ often teaches me lessons through experiences and through people. Sometimes (well, more than sometimes), I'm stubborn and need to do things for myself in order to figure out their meaning or lesson in my life.

I want my teaching to be a reflection of the impact and teaching of Christ in my own life. Being a Theology teacher, this is the perfect situation for this to happen in. My job is literally to teach high school students about Christ and the Church (among other things involved in this). My challenges are many. Namely, to communicate these truths in a way that makes them appealing, livable, loving, and worthy of dedicating one's life to, but also to strive to live in a way that makes these teachings visible in myself. I can't imagine how useless it would be to learn theology from a teacher that teaches one thing, but lives something completely different.

I also realize that I need to remind myself to focus on the goal that students know and love God (and are learning!), more than they know and like/love me. Who doesn't want to be liked? Who doesn't love being loved? I guess I'd say a balance of the two is achievable. I'm reminded of the Liturgy of Humility:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus. (repeat after each line)
From the desire of being loved,
From the desire of being extolled,
From the desire of being honored,
From the desire of being praised,
From the desire of being preferred to others,
From the desire of being consulted,
From the desire of being approved,
From the fear of being humiliated,
From the fear of being despised,
From the fear of suffering rebukes,
From the fear of being calumniated,
From the fear of being forgotten,
From the fear of being ridiculed,
From the fear of being wronged,
From the fear of being suspected,
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. (repeat after each line)
That others may be esteemed more than I ,
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease,
That others may be chosen and I set aside,
That others may be praised and I unnoticed,
That others may be preferred to me in everything,
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, 

I bolded lines that I find particularly challenging. This prayer is so challenging because it's so counter-cultural. That other's be praised over myself? That other's be preferred to me? Why would I want that? Working on humility... SO hard!

So here's to another year (4th year!) of teaching - it's laughter, challenges, successes, and failures. Can't wait to get started!

SJPHS

 

trying to touch a hot pan...

I was recently reflecting on a conversation I had with a good friend and coworker this past school year. I was reflecting with the 20/20 hindsight on a situation that I so could have used at that time. It's so easier to see mistakes when you've moved past them. In the midst of emotion, and often in the present, my vision is so readily blurred. How I wish I could see the present with the sense of clarity that comes after a situation is resolved.

I guess that's not my place - it's God's.

I can't expect to see the purpose, or the plan. However, I can discern the next step. I need to get better at that.

I want to sort of empty my mind of a situation - and I'm feeling like a cross between Eve at the Fall and small child. Not sure which is better.

I remember this conversation with a friend, coworker, and more importantly fellow Christian woman. I was explaining my frustration with a certain, shall I say, romantic interest. More specifically, I was frustrated with other's reactions or suggestions towards my course of action. This friend, who's opinion I trust more than others, was telling me that this person was not good for me. "Would you be proud to introduce others to this person? Knowing their reputation, would you want others to see you as 'together'?" We discussed the possibility of non-believers changing for their significant others, and whether or not that was even possible.

I struggled with that concept at the time - and honestly I'm not sure that I'm completely done struggling. How can I fault others for not having been exposed to Christ or at least to someone who would introduce them to Christ as I have been so lucky to have experienced in my life? Am I to write off each individual who did not believe like I do? If I met a version of myself, 10 years of ago, wouldn't I have been written off?

My friend explained to me that of course, we are called to love each individual - but that doesn't mean we are called to date them. Particularly if they have no relationship with God, or Christ. She explained that it was not good for me, or my soul, to put myself in this situation of vulnerability and risk.

I baulked against that idea. "But couldn't they change?" "Wouldn't my influence be enough?"

(I have since then realized, or really heard from a trusted priest, that we don't do the saving. Jesus does. My influence, my "good life" may not convert everyone. We must leave that up to God, in His own way, in His own timing. But back to my greater point...)

I made the argument to my friend that "just once, I'd like to be able to be in the situation to say - no, this person is not good for me, realize that, and end whatever was going on." I was so frustrated with the idea that the option was denied before it ever had a chance to develop. Who could tell me that a person was "not good enough for me"? When do I get to decide that for myself?

So I continued. Continued hoping for conversation, for change, for pursuit, for interest, for some sort of commitment. To me, to God, to something.

None of those things ever came. Ended before anything really started. Closure, and SO much hindsight. Coming so far from those captivating emotions - I really do realize, it would have never worked out.

And in fact, what my friend said was right, his lack of spiritual depth - his lack of Christ, really - would have been a breaking point, a detriment to my life. Who knows what my own soul would look like had anything developed. What would I give up?

 I'm sure many have heard the relation of these want-but-can't-have situations to the image of a parent, or father, telling their child that despite their pleading, no they cannot touch that hot stove top, no they cannot play with that sharp knife. Despite how badly they wanted, asked, prayed for it - their parent would not give it to them, it would likely hurt them.

I realize now, somewhat shamefully, how childish my emotions and protest were. I think I knew deep down, that this situation was not good for me. I was challenged by these lyrics to the Jimmy Needham song "Clear the Stage":
Anything I put before my God is an idol
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol
And anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol
And anything that I give all my love is an idol
If I was honest with myself, I couldn't stop thinking about this person, and I did want it to work - with all my heart.

I really was the child, begging, pleading, planning how I was going to get that knife - even though my parents, and friends had all told me it was dangerous. I knew better.

Well I didn't, and I don't.

I need to work on trust. I need to be less like Eve who reached for what was not hers to take, and more like Mary (the redemption of women, and a new Eve) who trusted in His plans for her life - despite lack of understanding, or her own will.

I heard in a witness at a women's retreat that at the heart of Eve's action, the grasp of the forbidden fruit, was a deep-seeded belief that God was not going to give her what she wanted and needed, so she decided to take matters into her own hands - quite literally. Satan made her believe that God was holding back, and really it was okay if she did what she desired. Regardless of the Divine Will.

Trust.

So hard for me, even though I would probably not have said that originally. Sometimes I think I trust others too easily, but I often second guess that trust. How can I not have that same ready trust towards GOD?

Childlike faith - not childISH faith.

I'm so thankful now that despite my begging and really whining - God still said, "No." Even though it was hard to hear, and not the result I'd hoped for. It was the answer I needed. 

I have also realized that it is okay to discern an interest through the lens of, "Do they know Christ?" It's not just okay, it's essential. How dare I risk the soul that was purchased with Jesus' life? How dare I not hold out for the one that pursues me, and Christ alongside me?

Here's an anguished prayer for endurance to wait for that one.

Year One.

SJP Year One. Over. What have I learnt?

1. I absolutely, wholeheartedly adore my students.
- Despite minor arguments and occasional disappointments, I am overwhelmingly blessed by phenomenal students. I am particularly infatuated with my freshmen, especially for their faith - faith in their school, faith in me, and above all Faith in God. I can't imagine the choice they made to come to a school that in all reality did not exist yet. They trusted a promise of success. What childlike faith on their (and their parents') parts, and what awesome responsibility for us to live up to that.
- I made it a point to record certain things that my students wrote that I found particularly insightful... one freshman, reflecting on Joseph's sons and an article on their blessing, wrote, "These events make us stronger and realize that things happen for a reason. It’s like God has more in store for us than we expect." I could list so many more examples. Like a senior, reflecting on the media, "The danger of relying too much on the entertainment industry is that without even realizing, people may start to believe what is presented to them."
- I just can't begin to express how lucky I am to be in the lives of so many exceptional young men and women.

2. I need to believe in my abilities more.
- I have never felt so valued in any other work environment. After 3 years as a full-time teacher, I finally feel like I'm doing more than treading water. Like I'm actually succeeding. I no where near where I want to be, but I finally feel like I am a decent teacher. That's a big step, I never am confident in my abilities. It is so complimentary to feel trusted, competent, and appreciated. I'm so looking forward to next year.

3. I'm learning what my limits are.
- I'm beginning to figure out just how much I can deal with from people (and situations) before I hit my limit. I trust easily, but at some point I need to "let go and let God." I think I'm figuring out what that point is. It's a weird line to toe between, "I need to help fix this," and, "This situation is in God's hands." I am reminded of the Romero Prayer that says,

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.
It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an
opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.
I can be open to being "pencil in the hand of a loving God" (Mother Theresa), but no one can change until they make their own choice.
- I also feel that I'm learning my limits in over-scheduling myself. I cannot commit myself to everything - or everything will suffer. I'm learning to figure out where my heart is in the present moment, and giving myself all of that. Where do I feel most fulfilled? Given the choice, which option would I choose? In more cases than not, my heart is at school and with my students. I'm so thankful to have that clarity of mind and vocation.

4. In the same line of thinking, I have tried to get better at loving people where they are.
- People should be loved where they're at. It does not mean that we accept their faults and flaws, but it does mean we offer them support. Sometimes the best we can do for someone is just be a source of support and reflection of God's love. I have looked past flaws this year that I never thought I'd be able to. This has both helped me and made things more difficult. How do you love in a way that inspires someone to change? A question I'm still figuring out a good answer to.

5. Finally, aside from amazing students, I am blessed with phenomenal friends (many of whom are also coworkers).
- I am consistently supported by so many people, and often feel undeserving. In a number of ways, friends have been there for me throughout this year. I can think of those who's rooms and offices I've escaped to, or who's homes I've found comfort in. New and old, I have amazing friends.

Was this a stressful year? Yup.
Were there points when I wanted nothing to do with anyone? Yup.
However, the good far, FAR outweighs the bad. Growing pains, nothing more.
Despite drama and frustrations of others (and myself), I have adored this year. And I adore SJP.

12/7/12

9 days until I have lived a quarter century. So many things I wanted accomplished in my life by now, and yet so many more things I have ambition to accomplish in time.

On account of the Feast of the Immaculate Conception falling on a Saturday this year, our school Mass today was based on the feast day of St. Ambroise rather than the Marian feast. The Gospel read this morning always catches me off guard, and contains one of my favorite lines in the New Testament.

Jesus is about to heal people, but first stops to ask them, "Do you believe that I can do this?"

It's so unexpected. Jesus knows he can do it, their belief in him does not make him any more or any less divine and capable of miracles. Yet he still asks.

Hearing this line again makes me think about the nature of prayer. When we pray, do we really believe that God has the power to change our circumstance? Or do we use prayer as a last-ditch effort to get what we want, but don't believe will actually happen? Do we pray on a whim, thinking, "Hey, it's worth a shot"?

I know I've certainly felt those ways before. I think it has part to do with our level of self-worth and part with how much we believe that God really is on our side and that he is really all-powerful. I know there are certain things that I constantly pray for, but in the back of my head there is the lingering voice of doubt. "Will this ever even happen?" "Am I praying correctly?" "Maybe, I'm not praying hard enough." "Does God even hear me?"

So many uncertainties, so much doubt.

Maybe an essential aspect of prayer that some of us miss, myself mostly, is the idea that we need to believe in what we are praying for. We need to envision that God will come to our rescue, that God does have our best in mind, and that he wills our happiness and fulfillment.

I have such a hard time believing that I am worthy of good and that God is hearing and working on what I'm asking of him (even if it's not the way I envisioned it).

I know there is one thing in particular that I pray hard for, I need to start really believing that it WILL happen. I try to imagine Jesus asking me the same question, "Lindsey, do you really believe that I can do this?"

"...Yes, Lord. I'm trying."

11/19/2011

The Lord will fight for you; you have only to keep still. (Exodus 14:14)

How hard it is for us to keep still. We are constantly in motion. Working, driving, cleaning, exercising, talking, spending our time. And when we aren't in motion we are connected to someone who is. Cell phone's, laptops, iPads, you name it, we've got it.

How rarely are we still?

How rarely do we sit with our problems and contemplate them, pray about them, before we act. We are so quick to fix, quick to restore, quick to comfort. We are so impatient. So quick to distrust in God's providence. We thrash and move and fight it when we feel things aren't going our way. Do we really believe that God is on our side?

I am the first one guilty of this. I am constantly restless, constantly worrying. In my busy life, where I know that my soul craves tranquility and peace, I find it so hard to be still. I'd rather work my way through a problem, than sit and wait on God.

Maybe he wants to teach us something in the story of the Israelites passing from slavery into freedom.

Maybe they've been so oppressed by their captors and so ready to run, that they believe that they have to keep fighting in order to be safe. With the Pharaoh and his men on the horizon, who wouldn't run? Who wouldn't fear? Who wouldn't distrust? We are so like Moses and the Israelites. Weighed down by the burdens of sin and fear, we sometimes simply can't believe that God fight will for us.

We sometimes take matters into our hands. Myself included. Similar to Eve, we stretch for things that we don't think God will give us. Were so fearful and distrusting sometimes.

We need to be still and wait on God. We need to trust that he is for us, and he will always come through for us.

amen.

clover and bees.

I've been meaning to write this for a while, so here goes.

Last Sunday I needed to absorb some sunshine, and given the state of the yard where my apartment is (see: covered by grape vines and leave, pretty but not conducive to sunlight), decided to head elsewhere. I drove over to Borderland in Easton, hoping for a patch of grass to lay a towel, read and listen to music. Once I got there I realized that I was the only one who was choosing to sunbathe in a field that day, go figure. I chose a spot at the bottom of a little hill, far away from the extended family that was picnic-ing.

I threw out my towel after finding some vaguely flat land, and after a few minutes started to read. I did my best to avoid the whirring and random buzzing of what I assumed to be flies. Well, let's just say I hate flies.

After doing my best to ignore, I couldn't anymore and chose to look around. Mistake. Bees everywhere. They are top 5 in bugs that terrify me. Never been stung before, no idea what it feels like, and what if I'm allergic. Needless to say I spent the next five minutes paranoid, staring at everything that moved, afraid to move to much, too stubborn to give up my afternoon of sunbathing so early.

I eventually lowered myself back down, put on some mellow, wordless music and went back to relaxing - eyes closed this time.

As I felt the heat, a cool breeze blew across me. Perfect timing, exactly what I needed. A simple sign of you're fine. Stop.

My notepad has been getting a lot of random use lately on my iphone, so I pulled it out and had to type what was running through my head.

"Realizing that every breeze is a concentrated gift from God.
Designed to relieve or renew us - whatever we most need. 
As I lay sunbathing in a field of clover, terrified to receive my first bee sting, God relieves me with a cool breath-wind."

It was so profound at that moment for me to think that there is a God that determined at that moment - breeze. And it was perfectly, exactly what I needed. God willed it, it happened, it satisfied. How did he know? How did he see me? I didn't ask, how did I receive?

He simply knows my heart, all my needs before they are a word on my tongue, even a thought in my mind. And in that second - he relieved me.

Is it always that simple - desire and fulfillment? No. Sometimes it takes patience, determination, and will. But I like to think that God likes to see us happy, and a surprise along the way does just that.

I walked away an hour later bee-sting-less, a little tanner, and with total piece of mind (thanks to God, a towel, a book, and a little Sigur Ros).

Amen.

I will wait for you.

I guess this is an update from the previous post.


Walking back to my car in Boston last night, I was texting with my best friend. He's my go-to, late-night talk, get things off my chest person. So appreciated. In this instance we were going back and forth talking about our standards, mainly for the people we'd date. We both have pretty high standards. I sort of thought about what my life might have been like had I not discovered, even before I considered myself a Christian, that I have pretty high standards and pretty conservative morals, especially for myself. 


I know what I consider right and wrong, and I have pretty high expectations, more for myself than others, but for others as well. I would feel badly if my standard of morality came off as offensive, though it comes from a place of genuine concern, not of judgement. I want and expect a lot out of myself and those I am close to, because I want the best for myself and the best for them. 


In the sense of morality, I often feel disappointed by the actions of others. I just want so much more for people and when they so willingly slip, it kills me. Most of my friends know that there are few things that are absolutely unacceptable to me, the black-and-whites in my moral code. 


I have never, and do not smoke cigarettes. I despise everything about them. My father has smoked since he was a teenager, and still does. My mother did off and on, and now pretty consistently does. I remember a bathroom my father used to smoke in in my first home, and how the wallpaper gradually changed from white and black to yellow and black. I have witnessed several people I'm close to develop health problems from it, including a close friend and my own father. I simply cannot fathom how, in 2012, knowing all that we know about side effects, smart people still choose to smoke. It absolutely kills me to see friends doing so because all I can think of is how much it's hurting them and how much I would  hate to see them hurt. 


I have never, and do not smoke marijuana. I've heard all the arguments about how it's not as bad as drinking, how it's not addictive, and how it doesn't do any harm - I am not convinced, nor does it change my opinion. I see no purpose, and in more cases than not (at least from the experience of those I've encountered), it leads to more. I've seen family who have been "not addicted" but have gone from a promising future, to a tough life. I've seen family of friends who started out with this "non-harmful" drug, and have ended up addicted to much more harmful drugs and even homeless. And I've seen promising students and teenagers become distant, uncaring, and unfocused. Not worth it.


I have not, and will not have sex without a wedding ring and a husband. I'm realizing how rare this is, and how this above all is most important to me. I have had students ask me, "Miss Hughes, do you practice chastity?" My answer is always, "yes." And they are consistently shocked. A twentysomething, young, single female, how could this be? Like the other examples, I can simply not imagine myself acting any differently. I never want to share the most intimate of feelings with someone, and have to regret it. I don't want to make it to my wedding night and have memories of anyone else. Is it a challenge? Of course. I think that makes it all the more worth doing. 


These are my top three of things that make me crazy. Not in a judgmental way, and I hope my hate for the action, does not come off as hate for the person. Many, many people that I love have broken these three moral pillars for me, and I love them just the same. That will not change. 


I know I have high standards of morality, I know it's rare, and it's not going to change. I think that it's so overwhelmingly important that young Catholics show the world that our way of life is possible, and is enthusiastically livable - I am consistently happy. I think one of the most powerful tools is joy. Happy people make more happy people. I think back to the focus of the Gospel this Sunday, as it is the feast of his nativity - John the Baptist. His focus and joy for Christ were clear, beginning from his leap in his mother's womb at the mere proximity of his savior. The passage from Matthew's Gospel detailing John's appearance - 


John wore clothing made of camel’s hair
and had a leather belt around his waist.
His food was locusts and wild honey.


always gets me. He looked CRAZY, and ate bugs, and people listened to him because what he was saying was true and he meant it. I often feel as if people look at me like my life style is CRAZY. I only hope that the joy and meaning I have found in it make it appealing. 

In the sense of dating, I have pretty high standards. I will not settle. I am open to growth in a person, but a heart for God and for people is a non-negotiable. My discussion of "standards" with my best friend reminded me of a video that I originally saw when Lifeteen posted it. It is phenomenal, and titled "I will wait for you."

It features a young woman describing past relationship experiences, especially seeing others as "good enough" and thinking she could change them. She then goes on to describe how she is willing to wait for the right person and how she will know when she's found them. She says:

If I were to explain what you looked like, you would have to look like a star, a sun of the Son, I would gain energy simply from the light that you shine on me.

I would need you, in order to complete my photosynthesis.

I await your revelation but once again from the genesis,

I will wait for you...

And I will know you, because when you speak: 

I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom,

your ability to lead will remind me of Moses, 

your faith will remind me of Abraham, 

your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel, 

your inspiration will remind me of Paul, 

your heart for God will remind me of David, 

your attention to detail will remind me of Noah, 

your integrity will remind me of Joseph, 

and your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples, 

BUT your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of CHRIST.

But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews or any special Marks, ‘cause His Word will be tattooed all over your heart.

And you will know me, and you will find me, 

where the boldness of Esther, 

meets the warm closeness of Ruth, 

where the hospitality of Lydia, 

is aligned with the submission of Mary, 

which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hannah, 

I will be the one, drenched in Proverbs 31... waiting for you.

It's so beautiful. Particularly the part that says, "His Word will be tattooed all over your heart." Remarkable. I hope that I live in a way that suggests God's Word is embedded in my heart. And how attractive is that? An individual with the Word tattooed on their heart. Imagine how you'd know that to be true - in the way they live, talk, treat others, and work. 

amen.

I'm willingly to wait for this. I will not settle. And my standards will not sink. And I'm not sorry.

Pursuit.

I just came home from watching Snow White and the Huntsman with my roommate. On the way home I was sort of complaining about the way it ended. For those who haven't seen this film yet, maybe skip the following sentences. After being revived by her "true love's kiss" (the huntsman), she goes to defeat the evil queen and is crowned the new queen in the end. The movie ends with her seemingly waiting for the arrival of the huntsman at her coronation. You can tell in glimpses a few scenes after her and the huntsman meet, that there will most likely be something more between them. Despite a childhood "love," the huntsman is her true match, and continues to follow and protect her. Though you can assume that they end up "together" in the end, they hardly show it. That's what made me disappointed, that they didn't show their "love." Leave it to me - go to an action-y, fantasy, fairy tale movie - and expect a happy, love-y ending. 

I came home thinking about why this made me so disappointed. Why do I always look for the love story in movies. Why do silly, sappy, unrealistic tales like Twilight suck me in?

Then it hit me.

I want to be pursued. 

I have been mulling over this idea of pursuit in the past few weeks with some friends. The idea that a woman should be pursued, but should shy away from pursuing. I used to hate this idea. The idea that a man gets to decide who he desires and that's all that matters. However, upon reflecting on my shallow attempts at "pursuit," they always seems to hurt me more than they help. 

I want to be pursued.

I think back to the female lead in these movies and stories. Edward is willing to give up everything to protect Bella. Everything he does is to make her happy. Logan walks across the country to find Beth, the subject of the photo that found him in Iraq. He thinks and schemes ways to win her favor, protects her from harm, and fights for her. And the huntsman leads Snow White through the dark forest, protects her from harm, realizes he is doing so because of love for her, then fights harder. Pursues harder. 

I want to be pursued.

I am sick of feeling like I'm flailing in the pool of self-pity and single-hood. I see others around me happily settling, starting lives, or at least feeling wanted. I often feel none of that. 

I sat with these feelings for a moment, and then felt foolish. I am pursued. I am constantly being pursued, and have been since I took my first breath. I have a king who has fought for me in every single moment of my life - joy, despair, difficulty, ease, and utter hopelessness. I have been fought for. But do I recognize it?

I have a king who desires me, all of me, and nothing short of that. Jesus has been fighting for my heart before I could logically form a thought. Against all the evil "kings and queens"  I have encountered in my short life here, Jesus has fought for my heart, and more importantly for my soul. This world and so many things in it have been uniquely designed for my favor, and I fail to recognize it. God sends me picturesque landscapes because he knows how it feeds my soul. He gives me music that inspires me. He lends me people who make feel loved and appreciated. He fights for my favor. 

I feel ashamed that I so readily turn it aside. I think that it is "not enough" because there isn't a simple ring on my left hand. If I am not pursued by humanity, then I must be flawed. 

I have to reject this thought. I have to learn to see it for the falsity it manifests. 

My worth, my value lie not in the favor of another human, but in the favor of my God and King. 

He pursues me at every second, every moment of my existence. My prayer tonight is that this is enough for me. And that I can feel the value in this eternal pursuit.

The Sower and the Seeds

I should start by saying that this is not from today's reading, just something I've been sort of mulling over. We're getting into talking about some parables in my theology 9 class.
One that we're focusing on is the Parable of the Sower. It follows the Sower, or a farmer who seems to be traveling with seeds, going to plant them.
There are four "options" for how the seeds grow.
The first falls on the path, completely in the wrong spot. Seeds on a path, no hope. Before they are trampled by a passerby, they are eaten by birds.
The second bunch falls on rocky ground. The seedlings sprung up immediately, but when the sun shown bright they were scorched for lack of roots.
The third falls on soil, but grows among thorns. When the seedlings here grow up, they are strangled by the thorns and die.
Finally, some seed falls on rich soil and grows 30, 60, 100 fold. Accomplished.

Jesus then discusses the Parables with those listening, explains that they are not literal stories but more allegorical, or metaphorical. They have a deeper meaning, and those with "ears to hear" will understand. As a sort of heads up, he explains this particular parable to the crowd.

He says that the seeds and their growth are kind of like people and their lives.

The first seeds that fall on the path, are like those that hear the word of God without understanding it at all. It has no effect, and it is stolen away by evil before it ever reaches their heart. To me this is like those that are not open to the word of God; it never had a chance.
The second bunch on the rocky path at least is open. They hear the word of God and receive it with joy. However, when trial or tribulation comes (the scorching sun), they wither for lack of roots. Their faith was not founded, it was just an emotion. I think of this as the people who come to a church, love what they hear, but then walk out and nothing is different. Living the word of God is easier said then done.
The third group that is choked by thorns is like those that are overcome by the world. They try to live the faith, but the world gets the best of them. Be it a pursuit of money, fame, or fortune - something steals their joy. They gave it a shot, but could not withstand.
The final seedlings, grown in rich soil are the success stories. Their lives bear fruit. I think what is worth mentioning here is that they were planted in rich soil. They had the advantage from the start. Be it self-made rich soil, or something done for them - they were ready. I think of the advantage of growing up in a faithful family, having a welcoming church community, or having the blessing of a Catholic education. You are set up for success, yes - but you still have to work for it. Blessed are those have all this and take advantage of it.

The group that hits home with me right now is the seed sown on rocky path, that withers for lack of roots. This is what has been weighing heavily on my heart as of late. Relating to Stoughton Lifeteen, and sort of reflecting on what we need to do better (among other things) ...I don't think teens are understand the value and importance of the mass. Something is happening with our retention ability. They are like seedlings, who shoot up, but then wither. Our kids come to things like LIFT, or Steubenville, or even an occasional mass or life night - but when in the real world, they wither for lack of roots. A vulgar facebook status, the knowledge of another instance of teenage drinking, a shallow relationship that led to sex, or even a Sunday spent with no thought of attending mass - something is not clicking.

The word of God sounds good, but it doesn't stick.

To me, the mass is the key to all of this. To be honest, I don't care if we see a kid at countless life nights, or they attend retreats, as long as I know they are going to mass. But that simply isn't happening. Some kids we consider "regulars" are not even "regular" mass attendees. Something has to give, or I fear our program withers for lack of roots. We need to bring it back to the basics, the sacraments - and a love of teens that gets them there. I think my challenge to teens in the future who are struggling with their faith will be to just attend mass. Give God an hour a week, and see where he takes it. Sure worked for me.

To be continued...

Come home.

REFLECTION - Eucharist - Catholics Come Home

Been a Eucharist filled couple of days, I guess. Eucharistic adoration last night at LIFT, followed by daily mass this morning at St. John’s.

In today’s Gospel Jesus says, “For whoever is not against us is for us.” The pastor of St. John’s talked about parochial belief and how we all tend to be rather exclusive in our lives and in our churches. He talked about how in 2004, when the Archdiocese of Boston had to close and merge parishes, many were hurt and confused. He spoke on how the Catholic Church really stretches farther across the globe than any other organization (better than the U.N., etc), how we need to recognize and respect our brothers in sisters in Christ (whether they are fellow Catholics in different parishes, or even fellow Christians in different churches), and how we are all called to avoid bigotry and live respect.

Well, now its 2011. This Lent launches the Catholics Come Home campaign in the Archdiocese of Boston. And so, I say to all the Catholics who have fallen away from the Church,

“Come home.”

Jesus, is calling YOU home. Jesus desires to be with you. Particularly, Jesus, present in the Eucharist, tells you to return, to come home. The forgiveness of our Lord is far, FAR greater than any degree of sin or separation. You have never done, and will never do anything to sinful for the Father to forgive. He is greater than any sin, any mistake, and any concern you may have with the teachings of the Catholic Church. We must never think we are too sinful, too “bad,” that we don’t belong or will not be welcome in a Church. It is not so. Jesus has won! He is victorious over sin and death! Your sinfulness pales in comparison to the love and glory of the Father. He overshadows all evil, all of our evil.

Come home, come home, come home.

Come and find rest in the arms of the Father. Come and find a peace you have never imagined. I have found my peace - the peace of Christ. Regardless of any problem, I know and trust that I can run into the arms of my Father and find comfort and peace. No problem too great, no situation too stressful. Jesus has defeated it, God will hold you through it, He will be your strength. People will fail you, money may run out, and our world is certainly broken - but God is greater. He is perfect. He is strength for those who call upon Him and for those who simply fall into His arms when they have spent all their energy and emotion.

Come back to the Church, but far more importantly - come back to God. His arms are open wide, ready to pour forth forgiveness. He is overflowing in mercy. Take one step towards Him and he will walk a mile to you.

Let God love you with a love far greater and far more powerful than one you could ever dream of.