The reason for my hope.

I feel a little guilty giving this post the title, "The reason for my hope," given that it was in this past Sunday's second reading... and quite obviously, Christ is the reason for my hope. That being said, the reason for my hope in youth, in education, and in my career is really the students I encounter daily at SJP.

No school is perfect, and ours certainly has its share of faults and shortcomings. However, the students whose lives I am so honored to be a part of leave me speechless sometimes. The community of young people that have come together to form this school are really remarkable. In the past couple of weeks, this point has really become evident for me - my students are amazing.

In reflecting on this year, the things that have happened and what my kids have accomplished really could not happen anywhere else.

Here's just a few things...

- The prom this year, though quite stressful at times, was a success in so many ways. Minimal complaints this year, good food, great photos - but an even better group of kids. I was so impressed by how our kids treat each other, whether it was the girls gushing over how gorgeous each one looked - even if that girl was not one of their typical "friends", or the boys posing with each other for pictures. My advisory willingly gathered each one that was there to take a "Hughesgang prom photo"... Such a mixed group of kids so excited to take a picture together.

Arguably the best moment for me, however, was the awarding of prom king and queen. I think teachers aren't supposed to have favorites - so we'll say that I don't, but I'm not sure this vote of kids could be any closer to my ideal choices than it was. The young man and woman who were chosen are among the best kids I have ever taught. One an international student who impresses me daily with his intelligence, wit, and faith. He was voted this honor with a huge majority of the votes. I could never have imagined something like this happening - international student, first language other than English, however universally liked and by all types of kids, from all different "groups" of students. In my high school it never would have. In most schools, it never would have. The other student is one whom I have taught and coached. She is another, liked by all, kind to all. Hers was the class that I looked forward to my first year teaching high school because I knew I could count on their respect and openness to learning. And best yet - they are good friends. A friendship that in most schools just wouldn't happen. I seriously could not have chosen a better pair to win, if I had hand picked this myself. 

- That is what is so remarkable about the community I work within. Unlikely occurances become the norm. A prom king from Korea, a homecoming king from the Ukraine. Chosen by their peers - international and domestic alike. Both remarkable individuals who deserve nothing less.

- With graduation in a day and half I have been reflecting on how much I will miss this class. Many of these students I have had in class for the past three years. I cannot imagine teaching without having them there. 

... 

Update. 

Tuesday - Baccalaureate Mass and Senior Awards

Wednesday - Graduation

More so today than yesterday, pretty much cried a river of tears. 

I'm not sure why this class' graduation hit me so much harder than last years, maybe it was just the extra year with them. Or maybe it was just the fact that have formed such close bonds with some of the kids in this class. 

...Or maybe it is just that there are kids in this class who have:

- Reminded me why I wanted to be a teacher

- Reaffirmed my desire to work in a school like SJP... a private, Catholic school where each person is known and cared for; a school with a population of international students that seamlessly integrate themselves into our community; a place where I can know and am known.

- Taught me what it means to show real Christian love, and to want to love better

- Inspired me daily

Time passes so quickly and I just can't fathom that the sophomores I looked forward to teaching everyday in my first year of teaching high school have now graduated. And more importantly, have now matured into fantastic people as well. 

That being said, it doesn't make it much easier to say goodbye to a student who I may or may not ever see again. That fact hurts. 

I know that I am better because I have known these kids.

I could make a dollar a day and still want to be in this career because I get to know students like these. 

Here's just a few pictures to show what kinds of kids I'm talking about. 

In some of these pictures I can see my eyes are a little red... Tried to get together as best I could.

Going to bed with a heavy but full heart tonight.

Ache.

Decided it was useless to have a blog to talk about school and a separate blog to reflect on my life. School is a big part of my life, so merging this all into one certainly makes sense. So here goes...

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I have long heard the idea that each of us is created with a God-shaped hole built within us. It reminds me a little of the Shel Silverstein poem, The Missing Piece:

I understand the concept of this God-shaped hole, or missing piece. This hole is God-shaped; we are built, designed, created with a unique, unquenchable desire for God. (C.S. Lewis explains it as such...)

Try as we might to fill it and satisfy ourselves with other things, we fall short. I have taught this concept to kids at LIFE TEEN, asking them to reflect on what they are trying to fill this hole with, what the world tells them will make them happy. I see it reflected in the lives of my students who are hypnotized by the temporary highs the world offers. Take one look at the magazines in the grocery store as you checkout. "Unhappy? Unsatisfied? Well then fix it." And here's how: sex, gossip, materialism, consumerism and vanity. We are force-fed the idea, daily, that we are somehow faulty and if we want to fix it, if we want to be "like the happy people," we should somehow ascribe to what the general accepted idea of happiness is. (It comes in many forms - beautiful, thin, athletic, desirable, smart, successful, wealthy, sexy.) 

Have you ever realized that nothing ever works? Sure, it may satisfy for a while - but when its luster fades, you are back to restlessness. 

I'd like to think that I get this idea, that I don't buy into it. And there are times when I can recognize the lie and reject it. But there are times I cannot. I fall into the trap of insecurity, of envy, of shame. 

And there's the ache. 

Nothing satisfies. We (I) keep thrashing, and spending, and fantasizing about the life we want to live and all the while we are unsatisfied. Aching. 

I have, in the past, felt a certain pang of ache. I am generally a nervous, insecure individual (working on it) so I generally attribute this feeling to the "butterflies" in my stomach that occur when I am anticipating something that will pull me from my comfort zone. However lately, I can touch this ache more acutely. 

It's an actual feeling, physically, somewhere within myself (almost at my core). And I am never sure how to remedy it. 

I became more aware of this throughout the triduum masses this weekend, particularly the Easter Vigil. It is usually a feeling that makes me long for the comfort of home, the privilege to crawl into my bed and just be. It's a cross between a desire to hide and a desire to feel love. 

The ache. 

It could go either way, I guess. Draw you inward on yourself, becoming more reclusive. Or it could draw you to God. What it is intended for. The irony is that this desire to feel love is exactly what is offered in a personal relationship with Christ. Love is found in Love itself. 

I'm not sure how that works just yet, how to turn this inexhaustible ache into a positive. I get the sense that God is drawing me closer, I'm just working on responding well. 

I'm not completely sure what this means yet, I'm just glad that I can finally touch this feeling of ache and not run from it. When I feel insecure, or left out from all the things, people, and places I feel entitled to - I will try to respond to that ache by leaning into God's grace, God's love. 

One of the responsorial psalms from the Vigil seems apropos - psalm 42:2-3

As the deer longs for streams of water, so my soul longs for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, the living God. 

Happy Easter.

Kairos, processing.

I could reflect on Kairos for days... But I'll try to limit myself...

I just need to get things down so that I don't forget how I feel about them in the moment.

I am fresh from a retreat with my students, sophomores through seniors, several of which I consider myself to have close relationships with. Soccer players, campus ministry kids, students, advisees. 

I just need to get down in words just how humbled I am by one particular student. 

I have known this student since he was a freshman who used to sneak into my advisory. I've never taught him - which I think is actually an advantage in this case. I have served largely as his advocate and a confidant... I think I know and can speak for who he really is. This is particularly important to me because he often doesn't show this image to the greater school community. 

That being said, I know that he respects and appreciates my help and guidance - but never knew how deeply until this weekend. I gave a talk about sacraments this weekend and in place of mentioning the  official sacraments, I talked more about those people who are sacraments in my life (visible signs of God's invisible grace). This, unexpectedly, led into a large group discussion among participants and leaders about who are sacraments to them. Students mentioned parents, friends, significant others - and really beautifully they explained who was God to them in their lives. If you can predict where this is going, said student mentioned me. 

To say the least, I was not expecting it. He went on to say that despite the trouble he may or may not get into, I have always supported him. He said that I am a sacrament in his life because I image God to him (paraphrased), and have shown him love and grace. I wish I could remember the exact words - because it pretty much killed me. He also affirmed me during large group affirmations saying that I am patient and caring to the people around me but have especially been good to him. Again, I wish I had a mental tape recorder, but I had to look away in order not to cry more than I had already throughout the weekend.

I don't mention this to say, "Oh look how great I am." Seriously. It's just hard with kids sometimes to understand if you are doing too much, if they think you're pushing too far, or if they are even listening. This was just providential confirmation that my influence on this one soul was worthwhile to him. That it mattered. 

After a couple of challenging weeks at school - I had been praying a lot for and about this situation. What I should be doing for him, what he really needed. God spoke through him so evidently, saying, "I don't say this to many people so you know I mean it - but I really love you and hope that even after I graduate we will stay in touch." 

Sort of tearing up recalling this. 

God just loves me so much, and really is too good to me. 

Another student I am close to was a leader on this retreat. She wrote a letter of affirmation to me. Aside from the fact that it was brilliantly and beautifully written, it was literally words of God to me. 

The text of her letter described when she first spoke to me, and how I was the one teacher in the school she didn't know coming in. Providentially again, I was given her as an advisee. 

Though I know we are close, I again second-guess the level of support she needs. Her letter explained the effect I've had on her life, and explained how I "appear confident" and always seem to be "in the right place." She then included this line....

"You are in the right place, Ms. Hughes." 

I want to be as good as these kids think I am. I want to live up to their expectations. 

Maybe that's how God speaks to me through them. God sees me like these kids do, and I need to recognize my worth more. 

Speaking of vocation like I have been praying about lately, a fellow teacher wrote this to me...

"You live the Gospel and your vocation as a teacher is just so obviously the perfect fit." 

Amen, just tons of amens. It's crazy how small steps and even failures get you to the place God calls you to be. And when it is a good fit, oh man - how good it is. 

the goodness of God.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

Not in a bad, worried, stressed, anxious way - in a wonderful, holy, full way.

I am overwhelmed by the goodness of God.

I come to school each day tired, sometimes stressed, but always happy and deliriously appreciative of the chance I have to be a part of my student's lives. I think most of my non-teacher friends (and realistically some of my teacher friends) think I'm crazy, but I really and seriously love each of my students.

When I first started student teaching, I wanted to be a good teacher, I wanted to be confident, but most of all I wanted to get through each day. I counted down the periods to the end of the day and loved the kids I met, but it was about what I could do to get out of there.

My first year of teaching it got better, more invested in the kids, feeling a little better. Looking back, this first official year was by far my worst, performance wise and happiness wise. The school was not a good fit for me and with hindsight I can see this fact clearly.

When I got to Trinity, I was so excited to be a part of a community that was just that - a real community. I loved my students, but I still counted down - more in the form of days until the next vacation or simply until the weekends.

At SJP, I am overwhelmed by joy. I love the community of this place. I love the leadership and vision of my school - both the lay administration and the Sisters of St. Joseph who sponsor us. But most of all I love its students. The young men and women I encounter on a daily basis amaze me with their lives, their struggles, and their successes.

I have never had a job where I am excited to go to work everyday, let alone one that I look forward to coming back to after a two month hiatus.

This comes back to my idea that this place, and this occupation is really much more of a vocation.

When I was talking to a friend about whether or not to step away from youth ministry for a while in order to more focus on school, we discussed the topic of spirits of consolation and desolation. Briefly, this is the idea that when you are where God wants you to be, you feel it and it feels right, conversely, if you are not - you feel despair. Sometimes when discerning a choice you have to just try it out and see what feelings may come. So that's what I did. I stepped away and stepped more deeply into my place at SJP. 

I could not be more happy at the moment. I think it's a combination of factors really, but I have never felt in my life that I am right where I need to be (in more ways than one). Life is not perfect and there are many things I still want to do, but as of the moment, I feel content. 

As I sat in an assembly about bullying, depression, and teen suicide - I was heartbroken but also felt deeply connected to the community of individuals that surrounded me (resulting in a large amount of tears, for better or for worse). I sat in the midst of my eleventh grade advisory, next to a student that I've had as a teacher and/or advisor for 3 years, who named me as an example of faith in his life (an honor I'm sure I don't deserve but am deeply humbled by), behind a international student and football player who wiped away tears with his tie as I sat in awe of the young man he has become since September of 2011 when I first met him, and in proximity to countless young souls that can only begin to describe as phenomenal, inspirational, lovable individuals. The more I thought about this honor, the more teary I got. 

To finish this rambling, nonsensical post - I'll end with a short conversation I had with a student after school. As I am fairly close to this girl, we were discussing how the year was going and how it felt different this year - for both of us. She told me I was different this year, happier but also more sensitive. I agreed and told her, I just know that I am exactly where God wants me to be, and I'm just so thankful for that. Reflecting, I should have also said what I feel within - deeply in awe of the providence and love of God. 

Just so much love today.  

Sunday

"It's moments like this that make this place more than a school."

Homecoming Week

Just riding the high of a great, great week at SJP. 

Here are some highlights: 

• Girl's soccer qualified for states with a 5-0 shut out against Pope John
• My advisory successfully dressed up as Greek Gods and wore sheets vaguely shaped into togas
• Pep rally was great!
• Obviously saving the most exciting for last - the boys football team won their first game!

I'm leaving this week so proud of my students and so humbled at the opportunity to be a part of their lives. 

Because I analyze nearly everything, this week has made me reflect on a lot of things - mainly, how I feel about life and place and my reactions. 

I realized a few things. 

1. I am competitive and protective of my students. 

I'm not a huge sports fan, and not a diehard follower of many teams. I don't yell at the TV or attend many live games. I enjoy them - just not always at the top of my life. However, I attend countless SJP games, mostly our soccer games at the moment. I get WAY too invested in these games, for better or for worse. It makes me crazy when opposing players insult our kids or when their coach implies they've done anything wrong. 

I sat on the sidelines of a boys soccer game this or last week and happened to be near some parents of players on the opposing team. They were accusing one of our seniors of cheating and our kids of playing dirty - I had to actually turn away... for fear I was shooting eye-daggers at them (I don't hide disdain well). 

2. I need to pray for my students more. 

It's become clear to me recently that several of my students live complicated, challenging lives. I guess we all do. I've had several serious conversations about friend's choices, difficult parents, worries about not being "good enough" for any number of reasons. I also know that high school students have a lot of important choices to make and are put in a lot of situations where they have to make big decisions in the blink of an eye. I need to do less freaking out about their safety and more praying for their care. I've known some of these kids for 3 years now and I feel pretty invested in their lives, so I want to be sure I'm doing the best for them I can. To me this involves challenging them to be the best versions of their selves they can (morally, academically, spiritually, physically, etc) - but also involves praying for them. I can do both better. 

3. I know that I am exactly where I need to be in this present moment. 

I'm blanking on where I heard this first, it's either from my Jesuit professor at BC or something lifeteen related... 

There's this idea of "leaning into God's grace," that figuring out our lives is less about searching and striving and constantly freaking out about where I'm supposed to be, etc, and more about doing small things that lead you to where you are called/needed. Making small choices that you feel are right and trusting in the slow work of God is more effective than worrying and making yourself crazy. When we "lean into God's grace" we naturally act more in sync with his plan for our lives. Sort of like the idea of habit. The more you do something and make choices that are in line with your life and vocation, the easier it is to keep on that path. 

I finally feel like I'm in this tide of grace. I feel vocationally called to teaching and the lives of my students and SJP, and this week has been huge confirmation of that. I am obviously too emotional, but I nearly cried when the football team won. Where else can I feel that way and it be okay ;)?

Restart!

Just sorting through old websites, etc. and came across this blog. I think I started it after I started teaching middle school as a way of reflecting on teaching, my students, and God's call to me through my vocation/occupation of teaching.

I posted twice. Whoooops.

So here's my attempt at making this happen again. I am so overflowingly (don't think that's a word) happy and fulfilled in my current school and position and want to make sure I'm reflecting on it and how God is calling and guiding me in this place.

I also found a blog that I attempted called "Stuff My Students Say." I'm going to try to post those things on here, too. Two blogs, no waiting, all in one place :). (Here's the only post from that http://stuffmystudentssaylbh.blogspot.com/2011/11/durability.html ...LOVE that kid.)

I'm going to start by explaining the title of this blog, why it stuck out to me, and why I'm not changing it.

The Latin phrase (how I LOVE Latin is another story), "Magister adest et vocat te," translates to "The teacher is here and He is calling you." I first saw this above the altar in the chapel at the Pastoral Center for the Archdiocese of Boston in Braintree. It struck me, obviously, because it has the word "teacher" in it, but also because I love the identification of Christ as teacher. (Savior, Master, Messiah, Friend - I like them all...) I love the idea that Christ is constantly teaching us - in so many ways. I learn most effectively through doing, so I think that Christ often teaches me lessons through experiences and through people. Sometimes (well, more than sometimes), I'm stubborn and need to do things for myself in order to figure out their meaning or lesson in my life.

I want my teaching to be a reflection of the impact and teaching of Christ in my own life. Being a Theology teacher, this is the perfect situation for this to happen in. My job is literally to teach high school students about Christ and the Church (among other things involved in this). My challenges are many. Namely, to communicate these truths in a way that makes them appealing, livable, loving, and worthy of dedicating one's life to, but also to strive to live in a way that makes these teachings visible in myself. I can't imagine how useless it would be to learn theology from a teacher that teaches one thing, but lives something completely different.

I also realize that I need to remind myself to focus on the goal that students know and love God (and are learning!), more than they know and like/love me. Who doesn't want to be liked? Who doesn't love being loved? I guess I'd say a balance of the two is achievable. I'm reminded of the Liturgy of Humility:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus. (repeat after each line)
From the desire of being loved,
From the desire of being extolled,
From the desire of being honored,
From the desire of being praised,
From the desire of being preferred to others,
From the desire of being consulted,
From the desire of being approved,
From the fear of being humiliated,
From the fear of being despised,
From the fear of suffering rebukes,
From the fear of being calumniated,
From the fear of being forgotten,
From the fear of being ridiculed,
From the fear of being wronged,
From the fear of being suspected,
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. (repeat after each line)
That others may be esteemed more than I ,
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease,
That others may be chosen and I set aside,
That others may be praised and I unnoticed,
That others may be preferred to me in everything,
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, 

I bolded lines that I find particularly challenging. This prayer is so challenging because it's so counter-cultural. That other's be praised over myself? That other's be preferred to me? Why would I want that? Working on humility... SO hard!

So here's to another year (4th year!) of teaching - it's laughter, challenges, successes, and failures. Can't wait to get started!

SJPHS