The reason for my hope.

I feel a little guilty giving this post the title, "The reason for my hope," given that it was in this past Sunday's second reading... and quite obviously, Christ is the reason for my hope. That being said, the reason for my hope in youth, in education, and in my career is really the students I encounter daily at SJP.

No school is perfect, and ours certainly has its share of faults and shortcomings. However, the students whose lives I am so honored to be a part of leave me speechless sometimes. The community of young people that have come together to form this school are really remarkable. In the past couple of weeks, this point has really become evident for me - my students are amazing.

In reflecting on this year, the things that have happened and what my kids have accomplished really could not happen anywhere else.

Here's just a few things...

- The prom this year, though quite stressful at times, was a success in so many ways. Minimal complaints this year, good food, great photos - but an even better group of kids. I was so impressed by how our kids treat each other, whether it was the girls gushing over how gorgeous each one looked - even if that girl was not one of their typical "friends", or the boys posing with each other for pictures. My advisory willingly gathered each one that was there to take a "Hughesgang prom photo"... Such a mixed group of kids so excited to take a picture together.

Arguably the best moment for me, however, was the awarding of prom king and queen. I think teachers aren't supposed to have favorites - so we'll say that I don't, but I'm not sure this vote of kids could be any closer to my ideal choices than it was. The young man and woman who were chosen are among the best kids I have ever taught. One an international student who impresses me daily with his intelligence, wit, and faith. He was voted this honor with a huge majority of the votes. I could never have imagined something like this happening - international student, first language other than English, however universally liked and by all types of kids, from all different "groups" of students. In my high school it never would have. In most schools, it never would have. The other student is one whom I have taught and coached. She is another, liked by all, kind to all. Hers was the class that I looked forward to my first year teaching high school because I knew I could count on their respect and openness to learning. And best yet - they are good friends. A friendship that in most schools just wouldn't happen. I seriously could not have chosen a better pair to win, if I had hand picked this myself. 

- That is what is so remarkable about the community I work within. Unlikely occurances become the norm. A prom king from Korea, a homecoming king from the Ukraine. Chosen by their peers - international and domestic alike. Both remarkable individuals who deserve nothing less.

- With graduation in a day and half I have been reflecting on how much I will miss this class. Many of these students I have had in class for the past three years. I cannot imagine teaching without having them there. 

... 

Update. 

Tuesday - Baccalaureate Mass and Senior Awards

Wednesday - Graduation

More so today than yesterday, pretty much cried a river of tears. 

I'm not sure why this class' graduation hit me so much harder than last years, maybe it was just the extra year with them. Or maybe it was just the fact that have formed such close bonds with some of the kids in this class. 

...Or maybe it is just that there are kids in this class who have:

- Reminded me why I wanted to be a teacher

- Reaffirmed my desire to work in a school like SJP... a private, Catholic school where each person is known and cared for; a school with a population of international students that seamlessly integrate themselves into our community; a place where I can know and am known.

- Taught me what it means to show real Christian love, and to want to love better

- Inspired me daily

Time passes so quickly and I just can't fathom that the sophomores I looked forward to teaching everyday in my first year of teaching high school have now graduated. And more importantly, have now matured into fantastic people as well. 

That being said, it doesn't make it much easier to say goodbye to a student who I may or may not ever see again. That fact hurts. 

I know that I am better because I have known these kids.

I could make a dollar a day and still want to be in this career because I get to know students like these. 

Here's just a few pictures to show what kinds of kids I'm talking about. 

In some of these pictures I can see my eyes are a little red... Tried to get together as best I could.

Going to bed with a heavy but full heart tonight.

Ache.

Decided it was useless to have a blog to talk about school and a separate blog to reflect on my life. School is a big part of my life, so merging this all into one certainly makes sense. So here goes...

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I have long heard the idea that each of us is created with a God-shaped hole built within us. It reminds me a little of the Shel Silverstein poem, The Missing Piece:

I understand the concept of this God-shaped hole, or missing piece. This hole is God-shaped; we are built, designed, created with a unique, unquenchable desire for God. (C.S. Lewis explains it as such...)

Try as we might to fill it and satisfy ourselves with other things, we fall short. I have taught this concept to kids at LIFE TEEN, asking them to reflect on what they are trying to fill this hole with, what the world tells them will make them happy. I see it reflected in the lives of my students who are hypnotized by the temporary highs the world offers. Take one look at the magazines in the grocery store as you checkout. "Unhappy? Unsatisfied? Well then fix it." And here's how: sex, gossip, materialism, consumerism and vanity. We are force-fed the idea, daily, that we are somehow faulty and if we want to fix it, if we want to be "like the happy people," we should somehow ascribe to what the general accepted idea of happiness is. (It comes in many forms - beautiful, thin, athletic, desirable, smart, successful, wealthy, sexy.) 

Have you ever realized that nothing ever works? Sure, it may satisfy for a while - but when its luster fades, you are back to restlessness. 

I'd like to think that I get this idea, that I don't buy into it. And there are times when I can recognize the lie and reject it. But there are times I cannot. I fall into the trap of insecurity, of envy, of shame. 

And there's the ache. 

Nothing satisfies. We (I) keep thrashing, and spending, and fantasizing about the life we want to live and all the while we are unsatisfied. Aching. 

I have, in the past, felt a certain pang of ache. I am generally a nervous, insecure individual (working on it) so I generally attribute this feeling to the "butterflies" in my stomach that occur when I am anticipating something that will pull me from my comfort zone. However lately, I can touch this ache more acutely. 

It's an actual feeling, physically, somewhere within myself (almost at my core). And I am never sure how to remedy it. 

I became more aware of this throughout the triduum masses this weekend, particularly the Easter Vigil. It is usually a feeling that makes me long for the comfort of home, the privilege to crawl into my bed and just be. It's a cross between a desire to hide and a desire to feel love. 

The ache. 

It could go either way, I guess. Draw you inward on yourself, becoming more reclusive. Or it could draw you to God. What it is intended for. The irony is that this desire to feel love is exactly what is offered in a personal relationship with Christ. Love is found in Love itself. 

I'm not sure how that works just yet, how to turn this inexhaustible ache into a positive. I get the sense that God is drawing me closer, I'm just working on responding well. 

I'm not completely sure what this means yet, I'm just glad that I can finally touch this feeling of ache and not run from it. When I feel insecure, or left out from all the things, people, and places I feel entitled to - I will try to respond to that ache by leaning into God's grace, God's love. 

One of the responsorial psalms from the Vigil seems apropos - psalm 42:2-3

As the deer longs for streams of water, so my soul longs for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, the living God. 

Happy Easter.