Kairos, processing.

I could reflect on Kairos for days... But I'll try to limit myself...

I just need to get things down so that I don't forget how I feel about them in the moment.

I am fresh from a retreat with my students, sophomores through seniors, several of which I consider myself to have close relationships with. Soccer players, campus ministry kids, students, advisees. 

I just need to get down in words just how humbled I am by one particular student. 

I have known this student since he was a freshman who used to sneak into my advisory. I've never taught him - which I think is actually an advantage in this case. I have served largely as his advocate and a confidant... I think I know and can speak for who he really is. This is particularly important to me because he often doesn't show this image to the greater school community. 

That being said, I know that he respects and appreciates my help and guidance - but never knew how deeply until this weekend. I gave a talk about sacraments this weekend and in place of mentioning the  official sacraments, I talked more about those people who are sacraments in my life (visible signs of God's invisible grace). This, unexpectedly, led into a large group discussion among participants and leaders about who are sacraments to them. Students mentioned parents, friends, significant others - and really beautifully they explained who was God to them in their lives. If you can predict where this is going, said student mentioned me. 

To say the least, I was not expecting it. He went on to say that despite the trouble he may or may not get into, I have always supported him. He said that I am a sacrament in his life because I image God to him (paraphrased), and have shown him love and grace. I wish I could remember the exact words - because it pretty much killed me. He also affirmed me during large group affirmations saying that I am patient and caring to the people around me but have especially been good to him. Again, I wish I had a mental tape recorder, but I had to look away in order not to cry more than I had already throughout the weekend.

I don't mention this to say, "Oh look how great I am." Seriously. It's just hard with kids sometimes to understand if you are doing too much, if they think you're pushing too far, or if they are even listening. This was just providential confirmation that my influence on this one soul was worthwhile to him. That it mattered. 

After a couple of challenging weeks at school - I had been praying a lot for and about this situation. What I should be doing for him, what he really needed. God spoke through him so evidently, saying, "I don't say this to many people so you know I mean it - but I really love you and hope that even after I graduate we will stay in touch." 

Sort of tearing up recalling this. 

God just loves me so much, and really is too good to me. 

Another student I am close to was a leader on this retreat. She wrote a letter of affirmation to me. Aside from the fact that it was brilliantly and beautifully written, it was literally words of God to me. 

The text of her letter described when she first spoke to me, and how I was the one teacher in the school she didn't know coming in. Providentially again, I was given her as an advisee. 

Though I know we are close, I again second-guess the level of support she needs. Her letter explained the effect I've had on her life, and explained how I "appear confident" and always seem to be "in the right place." She then included this line....

"You are in the right place, Ms. Hughes." 

I want to be as good as these kids think I am. I want to live up to their expectations. 

Maybe that's how God speaks to me through them. God sees me like these kids do, and I need to recognize my worth more. 

Speaking of vocation like I have been praying about lately, a fellow teacher wrote this to me...

"You live the Gospel and your vocation as a teacher is just so obviously the perfect fit." 

Amen, just tons of amens. It's crazy how small steps and even failures get you to the place God calls you to be. And when it is a good fit, oh man - how good it is. 

the goodness of God.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

Not in a bad, worried, stressed, anxious way - in a wonderful, holy, full way.

I am overwhelmed by the goodness of God.

I come to school each day tired, sometimes stressed, but always happy and deliriously appreciative of the chance I have to be a part of my student's lives. I think most of my non-teacher friends (and realistically some of my teacher friends) think I'm crazy, but I really and seriously love each of my students.

When I first started student teaching, I wanted to be a good teacher, I wanted to be confident, but most of all I wanted to get through each day. I counted down the periods to the end of the day and loved the kids I met, but it was about what I could do to get out of there.

My first year of teaching it got better, more invested in the kids, feeling a little better. Looking back, this first official year was by far my worst, performance wise and happiness wise. The school was not a good fit for me and with hindsight I can see this fact clearly.

When I got to Trinity, I was so excited to be a part of a community that was just that - a real community. I loved my students, but I still counted down - more in the form of days until the next vacation or simply until the weekends.

At SJP, I am overwhelmed by joy. I love the community of this place. I love the leadership and vision of my school - both the lay administration and the Sisters of St. Joseph who sponsor us. But most of all I love its students. The young men and women I encounter on a daily basis amaze me with their lives, their struggles, and their successes.

I have never had a job where I am excited to go to work everyday, let alone one that I look forward to coming back to after a two month hiatus.

This comes back to my idea that this place, and this occupation is really much more of a vocation.

When I was talking to a friend about whether or not to step away from youth ministry for a while in order to more focus on school, we discussed the topic of spirits of consolation and desolation. Briefly, this is the idea that when you are where God wants you to be, you feel it and it feels right, conversely, if you are not - you feel despair. Sometimes when discerning a choice you have to just try it out and see what feelings may come. So that's what I did. I stepped away and stepped more deeply into my place at SJP. 

I could not be more happy at the moment. I think it's a combination of factors really, but I have never felt in my life that I am right where I need to be (in more ways than one). Life is not perfect and there are many things I still want to do, but as of the moment, I feel content. 

As I sat in an assembly about bullying, depression, and teen suicide - I was heartbroken but also felt deeply connected to the community of individuals that surrounded me (resulting in a large amount of tears, for better or for worse). I sat in the midst of my eleventh grade advisory, next to a student that I've had as a teacher and/or advisor for 3 years, who named me as an example of faith in his life (an honor I'm sure I don't deserve but am deeply humbled by), behind a international student and football player who wiped away tears with his tie as I sat in awe of the young man he has become since September of 2011 when I first met him, and in proximity to countless young souls that can only begin to describe as phenomenal, inspirational, lovable individuals. The more I thought about this honor, the more teary I got. 

To finish this rambling, nonsensical post - I'll end with a short conversation I had with a student after school. As I am fairly close to this girl, we were discussing how the year was going and how it felt different this year - for both of us. She told me I was different this year, happier but also more sensitive. I agreed and told her, I just know that I am exactly where God wants me to be, and I'm just so thankful for that. Reflecting, I should have also said what I feel within - deeply in awe of the providence and love of God. 

Just so much love today.