Kairos, processing.

I could reflect on Kairos for days... But I'll try to limit myself...

I just need to get things down so that I don't forget how I feel about them in the moment.

I am fresh from a retreat with my students, sophomores through seniors, several of which I consider myself to have close relationships with. Soccer players, campus ministry kids, students, advisees. 

I just need to get down in words just how humbled I am by one particular student. 

I have known this student since he was a freshman who used to sneak into my advisory. I've never taught him - which I think is actually an advantage in this case. I have served largely as his advocate and a confidant... I think I know and can speak for who he really is. This is particularly important to me because he often doesn't show this image to the greater school community. 

That being said, I know that he respects and appreciates my help and guidance - but never knew how deeply until this weekend. I gave a talk about sacraments this weekend and in place of mentioning the  official sacraments, I talked more about those people who are sacraments in my life (visible signs of God's invisible grace). This, unexpectedly, led into a large group discussion among participants and leaders about who are sacraments to them. Students mentioned parents, friends, significant others - and really beautifully they explained who was God to them in their lives. If you can predict where this is going, said student mentioned me. 

To say the least, I was not expecting it. He went on to say that despite the trouble he may or may not get into, I have always supported him. He said that I am a sacrament in his life because I image God to him (paraphrased), and have shown him love and grace. I wish I could remember the exact words - because it pretty much killed me. He also affirmed me during large group affirmations saying that I am patient and caring to the people around me but have especially been good to him. Again, I wish I had a mental tape recorder, but I had to look away in order not to cry more than I had already throughout the weekend.

I don't mention this to say, "Oh look how great I am." Seriously. It's just hard with kids sometimes to understand if you are doing too much, if they think you're pushing too far, or if they are even listening. This was just providential confirmation that my influence on this one soul was worthwhile to him. That it mattered. 

After a couple of challenging weeks at school - I had been praying a lot for and about this situation. What I should be doing for him, what he really needed. God spoke through him so evidently, saying, "I don't say this to many people so you know I mean it - but I really love you and hope that even after I graduate we will stay in touch." 

Sort of tearing up recalling this. 

God just loves me so much, and really is too good to me. 

Another student I am close to was a leader on this retreat. She wrote a letter of affirmation to me. Aside from the fact that it was brilliantly and beautifully written, it was literally words of God to me. 

The text of her letter described when she first spoke to me, and how I was the one teacher in the school she didn't know coming in. Providentially again, I was given her as an advisee. 

Though I know we are close, I again second-guess the level of support she needs. Her letter explained the effect I've had on her life, and explained how I "appear confident" and always seem to be "in the right place." She then included this line....

"You are in the right place, Ms. Hughes." 

I want to be as good as these kids think I am. I want to live up to their expectations. 

Maybe that's how God speaks to me through them. God sees me like these kids do, and I need to recognize my worth more. 

Speaking of vocation like I have been praying about lately, a fellow teacher wrote this to me...

"You live the Gospel and your vocation as a teacher is just so obviously the perfect fit." 

Amen, just tons of amens. It's crazy how small steps and even failures get you to the place God calls you to be. And when it is a good fit, oh man - how good it is. 

the goodness of God.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed at the moment.

Not in a bad, worried, stressed, anxious way - in a wonderful, holy, full way.

I am overwhelmed by the goodness of God.

I come to school each day tired, sometimes stressed, but always happy and deliriously appreciative of the chance I have to be a part of my student's lives. I think most of my non-teacher friends (and realistically some of my teacher friends) think I'm crazy, but I really and seriously love each of my students.

When I first started student teaching, I wanted to be a good teacher, I wanted to be confident, but most of all I wanted to get through each day. I counted down the periods to the end of the day and loved the kids I met, but it was about what I could do to get out of there.

My first year of teaching it got better, more invested in the kids, feeling a little better. Looking back, this first official year was by far my worst, performance wise and happiness wise. The school was not a good fit for me and with hindsight I can see this fact clearly.

When I got to Trinity, I was so excited to be a part of a community that was just that - a real community. I loved my students, but I still counted down - more in the form of days until the next vacation or simply until the weekends.

At SJP, I am overwhelmed by joy. I love the community of this place. I love the leadership and vision of my school - both the lay administration and the Sisters of St. Joseph who sponsor us. But most of all I love its students. The young men and women I encounter on a daily basis amaze me with their lives, their struggles, and their successes.

I have never had a job where I am excited to go to work everyday, let alone one that I look forward to coming back to after a two month hiatus.

This comes back to my idea that this place, and this occupation is really much more of a vocation.

When I was talking to a friend about whether or not to step away from youth ministry for a while in order to more focus on school, we discussed the topic of spirits of consolation and desolation. Briefly, this is the idea that when you are where God wants you to be, you feel it and it feels right, conversely, if you are not - you feel despair. Sometimes when discerning a choice you have to just try it out and see what feelings may come. So that's what I did. I stepped away and stepped more deeply into my place at SJP. 

I could not be more happy at the moment. I think it's a combination of factors really, but I have never felt in my life that I am right where I need to be (in more ways than one). Life is not perfect and there are many things I still want to do, but as of the moment, I feel content. 

As I sat in an assembly about bullying, depression, and teen suicide - I was heartbroken but also felt deeply connected to the community of individuals that surrounded me (resulting in a large amount of tears, for better or for worse). I sat in the midst of my eleventh grade advisory, next to a student that I've had as a teacher and/or advisor for 3 years, who named me as an example of faith in his life (an honor I'm sure I don't deserve but am deeply humbled by), behind a international student and football player who wiped away tears with his tie as I sat in awe of the young man he has become since September of 2011 when I first met him, and in proximity to countless young souls that can only begin to describe as phenomenal, inspirational, lovable individuals. The more I thought about this honor, the more teary I got. 

To finish this rambling, nonsensical post - I'll end with a short conversation I had with a student after school. As I am fairly close to this girl, we were discussing how the year was going and how it felt different this year - for both of us. She told me I was different this year, happier but also more sensitive. I agreed and told her, I just know that I am exactly where God wants me to be, and I'm just so thankful for that. Reflecting, I should have also said what I feel within - deeply in awe of the providence and love of God. 

Just so much love today.  

Sunday

"It's moments like this that make this place more than a school."

Homecoming Week

Just riding the high of a great, great week at SJP. 

Here are some highlights: 

• Girl's soccer qualified for states with a 5-0 shut out against Pope John
• My advisory successfully dressed up as Greek Gods and wore sheets vaguely shaped into togas
• Pep rally was great!
• Obviously saving the most exciting for last - the boys football team won their first game!

I'm leaving this week so proud of my students and so humbled at the opportunity to be a part of their lives. 

Because I analyze nearly everything, this week has made me reflect on a lot of things - mainly, how I feel about life and place and my reactions. 

I realized a few things. 

1. I am competitive and protective of my students. 

I'm not a huge sports fan, and not a diehard follower of many teams. I don't yell at the TV or attend many live games. I enjoy them - just not always at the top of my life. However, I attend countless SJP games, mostly our soccer games at the moment. I get WAY too invested in these games, for better or for worse. It makes me crazy when opposing players insult our kids or when their coach implies they've done anything wrong. 

I sat on the sidelines of a boys soccer game this or last week and happened to be near some parents of players on the opposing team. They were accusing one of our seniors of cheating and our kids of playing dirty - I had to actually turn away... for fear I was shooting eye-daggers at them (I don't hide disdain well). 

2. I need to pray for my students more. 

It's become clear to me recently that several of my students live complicated, challenging lives. I guess we all do. I've had several serious conversations about friend's choices, difficult parents, worries about not being "good enough" for any number of reasons. I also know that high school students have a lot of important choices to make and are put in a lot of situations where they have to make big decisions in the blink of an eye. I need to do less freaking out about their safety and more praying for their care. I've known some of these kids for 3 years now and I feel pretty invested in their lives, so I want to be sure I'm doing the best for them I can. To me this involves challenging them to be the best versions of their selves they can (morally, academically, spiritually, physically, etc) - but also involves praying for them. I can do both better. 

3. I know that I am exactly where I need to be in this present moment. 

I'm blanking on where I heard this first, it's either from my Jesuit professor at BC or something lifeteen related... 

There's this idea of "leaning into God's grace," that figuring out our lives is less about searching and striving and constantly freaking out about where I'm supposed to be, etc, and more about doing small things that lead you to where you are called/needed. Making small choices that you feel are right and trusting in the slow work of God is more effective than worrying and making yourself crazy. When we "lean into God's grace" we naturally act more in sync with his plan for our lives. Sort of like the idea of habit. The more you do something and make choices that are in line with your life and vocation, the easier it is to keep on that path. 

I finally feel like I'm in this tide of grace. I feel vocationally called to teaching and the lives of my students and SJP, and this week has been huge confirmation of that. I am obviously too emotional, but I nearly cried when the football team won. Where else can I feel that way and it be okay ;)?

Restart!

Just sorting through old websites, etc. and came across this blog. I think I started it after I started teaching middle school as a way of reflecting on teaching, my students, and God's call to me through my vocation/occupation of teaching.

I posted twice. Whoooops.

So here's my attempt at making this happen again. I am so overflowingly (don't think that's a word) happy and fulfilled in my current school and position and want to make sure I'm reflecting on it and how God is calling and guiding me in this place.

I also found a blog that I attempted called "Stuff My Students Say." I'm going to try to post those things on here, too. Two blogs, no waiting, all in one place :). (Here's the only post from that http://stuffmystudentssaylbh.blogspot.com/2011/11/durability.html ...LOVE that kid.)

I'm going to start by explaining the title of this blog, why it stuck out to me, and why I'm not changing it.

The Latin phrase (how I LOVE Latin is another story), "Magister adest et vocat te," translates to "The teacher is here and He is calling you." I first saw this above the altar in the chapel at the Pastoral Center for the Archdiocese of Boston in Braintree. It struck me, obviously, because it has the word "teacher" in it, but also because I love the identification of Christ as teacher. (Savior, Master, Messiah, Friend - I like them all...) I love the idea that Christ is constantly teaching us - in so many ways. I learn most effectively through doing, so I think that Christ often teaches me lessons through experiences and through people. Sometimes (well, more than sometimes), I'm stubborn and need to do things for myself in order to figure out their meaning or lesson in my life.

I want my teaching to be a reflection of the impact and teaching of Christ in my own life. Being a Theology teacher, this is the perfect situation for this to happen in. My job is literally to teach high school students about Christ and the Church (among other things involved in this). My challenges are many. Namely, to communicate these truths in a way that makes them appealing, livable, loving, and worthy of dedicating one's life to, but also to strive to live in a way that makes these teachings visible in myself. I can't imagine how useless it would be to learn theology from a teacher that teaches one thing, but lives something completely different.

I also realize that I need to remind myself to focus on the goal that students know and love God (and are learning!), more than they know and like/love me. Who doesn't want to be liked? Who doesn't love being loved? I guess I'd say a balance of the two is achievable. I'm reminded of the Liturgy of Humility:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus. (repeat after each line)
From the desire of being loved,
From the desire of being extolled,
From the desire of being honored,
From the desire of being praised,
From the desire of being preferred to others,
From the desire of being consulted,
From the desire of being approved,
From the fear of being humiliated,
From the fear of being despised,
From the fear of suffering rebukes,
From the fear of being calumniated,
From the fear of being forgotten,
From the fear of being ridiculed,
From the fear of being wronged,
From the fear of being suspected,
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. (repeat after each line)
That others may be esteemed more than I ,
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease,
That others may be chosen and I set aside,
That others may be praised and I unnoticed,
That others may be preferred to me in everything,
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, 

I bolded lines that I find particularly challenging. This prayer is so challenging because it's so counter-cultural. That other's be praised over myself? That other's be preferred to me? Why would I want that? Working on humility... SO hard!

So here's to another year (4th year!) of teaching - it's laughter, challenges, successes, and failures. Can't wait to get started!

SJPHS

 

trying to touch a hot pan...

I was recently reflecting on a conversation I had with a good friend and coworker this past school year. I was reflecting with the 20/20 hindsight on a situation that I so could have used at that time. It's so easier to see mistakes when you've moved past them. In the midst of emotion, and often in the present, my vision is so readily blurred. How I wish I could see the present with the sense of clarity that comes after a situation is resolved.

I guess that's not my place - it's God's.

I can't expect to see the purpose, or the plan. However, I can discern the next step. I need to get better at that.

I want to sort of empty my mind of a situation - and I'm feeling like a cross between Eve at the Fall and small child. Not sure which is better.

I remember this conversation with a friend, coworker, and more importantly fellow Christian woman. I was explaining my frustration with a certain, shall I say, romantic interest. More specifically, I was frustrated with other's reactions or suggestions towards my course of action. This friend, who's opinion I trust more than others, was telling me that this person was not good for me. "Would you be proud to introduce others to this person? Knowing their reputation, would you want others to see you as 'together'?" We discussed the possibility of non-believers changing for their significant others, and whether or not that was even possible.

I struggled with that concept at the time - and honestly I'm not sure that I'm completely done struggling. How can I fault others for not having been exposed to Christ or at least to someone who would introduce them to Christ as I have been so lucky to have experienced in my life? Am I to write off each individual who did not believe like I do? If I met a version of myself, 10 years of ago, wouldn't I have been written off?

My friend explained to me that of course, we are called to love each individual - but that doesn't mean we are called to date them. Particularly if they have no relationship with God, or Christ. She explained that it was not good for me, or my soul, to put myself in this situation of vulnerability and risk.

I baulked against that idea. "But couldn't they change?" "Wouldn't my influence be enough?"

(I have since then realized, or really heard from a trusted priest, that we don't do the saving. Jesus does. My influence, my "good life" may not convert everyone. We must leave that up to God, in His own way, in His own timing. But back to my greater point...)

I made the argument to my friend that "just once, I'd like to be able to be in the situation to say - no, this person is not good for me, realize that, and end whatever was going on." I was so frustrated with the idea that the option was denied before it ever had a chance to develop. Who could tell me that a person was "not good enough for me"? When do I get to decide that for myself?

So I continued. Continued hoping for conversation, for change, for pursuit, for interest, for some sort of commitment. To me, to God, to something.

None of those things ever came. Ended before anything really started. Closure, and SO much hindsight. Coming so far from those captivating emotions - I really do realize, it would have never worked out.

And in fact, what my friend said was right, his lack of spiritual depth - his lack of Christ, really - would have been a breaking point, a detriment to my life. Who knows what my own soul would look like had anything developed. What would I give up?

 I'm sure many have heard the relation of these want-but-can't-have situations to the image of a parent, or father, telling their child that despite their pleading, no they cannot touch that hot stove top, no they cannot play with that sharp knife. Despite how badly they wanted, asked, prayed for it - their parent would not give it to them, it would likely hurt them.

I realize now, somewhat shamefully, how childish my emotions and protest were. I think I knew deep down, that this situation was not good for me. I was challenged by these lyrics to the Jimmy Needham song "Clear the Stage":
Anything I put before my God is an idol
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol
And anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol
And anything that I give all my love is an idol
If I was honest with myself, I couldn't stop thinking about this person, and I did want it to work - with all my heart.

I really was the child, begging, pleading, planning how I was going to get that knife - even though my parents, and friends had all told me it was dangerous. I knew better.

Well I didn't, and I don't.

I need to work on trust. I need to be less like Eve who reached for what was not hers to take, and more like Mary (the redemption of women, and a new Eve) who trusted in His plans for her life - despite lack of understanding, or her own will.

I heard in a witness at a women's retreat that at the heart of Eve's action, the grasp of the forbidden fruit, was a deep-seeded belief that God was not going to give her what she wanted and needed, so she decided to take matters into her own hands - quite literally. Satan made her believe that God was holding back, and really it was okay if she did what she desired. Regardless of the Divine Will.

Trust.

So hard for me, even though I would probably not have said that originally. Sometimes I think I trust others too easily, but I often second guess that trust. How can I not have that same ready trust towards GOD?

Childlike faith - not childISH faith.

I'm so thankful now that despite my begging and really whining - God still said, "No." Even though it was hard to hear, and not the result I'd hoped for. It was the answer I needed. 

I have also realized that it is okay to discern an interest through the lens of, "Do they know Christ?" It's not just okay, it's essential. How dare I risk the soul that was purchased with Jesus' life? How dare I not hold out for the one that pursues me, and Christ alongside me?

Here's an anguished prayer for endurance to wait for that one.

Year One.

SJP Year One. Over. What have I learnt?

1. I absolutely, wholeheartedly adore my students.
- Despite minor arguments and occasional disappointments, I am overwhelmingly blessed by phenomenal students. I am particularly infatuated with my freshmen, especially for their faith - faith in their school, faith in me, and above all Faith in God. I can't imagine the choice they made to come to a school that in all reality did not exist yet. They trusted a promise of success. What childlike faith on their (and their parents') parts, and what awesome responsibility for us to live up to that.
- I made it a point to record certain things that my students wrote that I found particularly insightful... one freshman, reflecting on Joseph's sons and an article on their blessing, wrote, "These events make us stronger and realize that things happen for a reason. It’s like God has more in store for us than we expect." I could list so many more examples. Like a senior, reflecting on the media, "The danger of relying too much on the entertainment industry is that without even realizing, people may start to believe what is presented to them."
- I just can't begin to express how lucky I am to be in the lives of so many exceptional young men and women.

2. I need to believe in my abilities more.
- I have never felt so valued in any other work environment. After 3 years as a full-time teacher, I finally feel like I'm doing more than treading water. Like I'm actually succeeding. I no where near where I want to be, but I finally feel like I am a decent teacher. That's a big step, I never am confident in my abilities. It is so complimentary to feel trusted, competent, and appreciated. I'm so looking forward to next year.

3. I'm learning what my limits are.
- I'm beginning to figure out just how much I can deal with from people (and situations) before I hit my limit. I trust easily, but at some point I need to "let go and let God." I think I'm figuring out what that point is. It's a weird line to toe between, "I need to help fix this," and, "This situation is in God's hands." I am reminded of the Romero Prayer that says,

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.
It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an
opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.
I can be open to being "pencil in the hand of a loving God" (Mother Theresa), but no one can change until they make their own choice.
- I also feel that I'm learning my limits in over-scheduling myself. I cannot commit myself to everything - or everything will suffer. I'm learning to figure out where my heart is in the present moment, and giving myself all of that. Where do I feel most fulfilled? Given the choice, which option would I choose? In more cases than not, my heart is at school and with my students. I'm so thankful to have that clarity of mind and vocation.

4. In the same line of thinking, I have tried to get better at loving people where they are.
- People should be loved where they're at. It does not mean that we accept their faults and flaws, but it does mean we offer them support. Sometimes the best we can do for someone is just be a source of support and reflection of God's love. I have looked past flaws this year that I never thought I'd be able to. This has both helped me and made things more difficult. How do you love in a way that inspires someone to change? A question I'm still figuring out a good answer to.

5. Finally, aside from amazing students, I am blessed with phenomenal friends (many of whom are also coworkers).
- I am consistently supported by so many people, and often feel undeserving. In a number of ways, friends have been there for me throughout this year. I can think of those who's rooms and offices I've escaped to, or who's homes I've found comfort in. New and old, I have amazing friends.

Was this a stressful year? Yup.
Were there points when I wanted nothing to do with anyone? Yup.
However, the good far, FAR outweighs the bad. Growing pains, nothing more.
Despite drama and frustrations of others (and myself), I have adored this year. And I adore SJP.