clover and bees.

I've been meaning to write this for a while, so here goes.

Last Sunday I needed to absorb some sunshine, and given the state of the yard where my apartment is (see: covered by grape vines and leave, pretty but not conducive to sunlight), decided to head elsewhere. I drove over to Borderland in Easton, hoping for a patch of grass to lay a towel, read and listen to music. Once I got there I realized that I was the only one who was choosing to sunbathe in a field that day, go figure. I chose a spot at the bottom of a little hill, far away from the extended family that was picnic-ing.

I threw out my towel after finding some vaguely flat land, and after a few minutes started to read. I did my best to avoid the whirring and random buzzing of what I assumed to be flies. Well, let's just say I hate flies.

After doing my best to ignore, I couldn't anymore and chose to look around. Mistake. Bees everywhere. They are top 5 in bugs that terrify me. Never been stung before, no idea what it feels like, and what if I'm allergic. Needless to say I spent the next five minutes paranoid, staring at everything that moved, afraid to move to much, too stubborn to give up my afternoon of sunbathing so early.

I eventually lowered myself back down, put on some mellow, wordless music and went back to relaxing - eyes closed this time.

As I felt the heat, a cool breeze blew across me. Perfect timing, exactly what I needed. A simple sign of you're fine. Stop.

My notepad has been getting a lot of random use lately on my iphone, so I pulled it out and had to type what was running through my head.

"Realizing that every breeze is a concentrated gift from God.
Designed to relieve or renew us - whatever we most need. 
As I lay sunbathing in a field of clover, terrified to receive my first bee sting, God relieves me with a cool breath-wind."

It was so profound at that moment for me to think that there is a God that determined at that moment - breeze. And it was perfectly, exactly what I needed. God willed it, it happened, it satisfied. How did he know? How did he see me? I didn't ask, how did I receive?

He simply knows my heart, all my needs before they are a word on my tongue, even a thought in my mind. And in that second - he relieved me.

Is it always that simple - desire and fulfillment? No. Sometimes it takes patience, determination, and will. But I like to think that God likes to see us happy, and a surprise along the way does just that.

I walked away an hour later bee-sting-less, a little tanner, and with total piece of mind (thanks to God, a towel, a book, and a little Sigur Ros).

Amen.

I will wait for you.

I guess this is an update from the previous post.


Walking back to my car in Boston last night, I was texting with my best friend. He's my go-to, late-night talk, get things off my chest person. So appreciated. In this instance we were going back and forth talking about our standards, mainly for the people we'd date. We both have pretty high standards. I sort of thought about what my life might have been like had I not discovered, even before I considered myself a Christian, that I have pretty high standards and pretty conservative morals, especially for myself. 


I know what I consider right and wrong, and I have pretty high expectations, more for myself than others, but for others as well. I would feel badly if my standard of morality came off as offensive, though it comes from a place of genuine concern, not of judgement. I want and expect a lot out of myself and those I am close to, because I want the best for myself and the best for them. 


In the sense of morality, I often feel disappointed by the actions of others. I just want so much more for people and when they so willingly slip, it kills me. Most of my friends know that there are few things that are absolutely unacceptable to me, the black-and-whites in my moral code. 


I have never, and do not smoke cigarettes. I despise everything about them. My father has smoked since he was a teenager, and still does. My mother did off and on, and now pretty consistently does. I remember a bathroom my father used to smoke in in my first home, and how the wallpaper gradually changed from white and black to yellow and black. I have witnessed several people I'm close to develop health problems from it, including a close friend and my own father. I simply cannot fathom how, in 2012, knowing all that we know about side effects, smart people still choose to smoke. It absolutely kills me to see friends doing so because all I can think of is how much it's hurting them and how much I would  hate to see them hurt. 


I have never, and do not smoke marijuana. I've heard all the arguments about how it's not as bad as drinking, how it's not addictive, and how it doesn't do any harm - I am not convinced, nor does it change my opinion. I see no purpose, and in more cases than not (at least from the experience of those I've encountered), it leads to more. I've seen family who have been "not addicted" but have gone from a promising future, to a tough life. I've seen family of friends who started out with this "non-harmful" drug, and have ended up addicted to much more harmful drugs and even homeless. And I've seen promising students and teenagers become distant, uncaring, and unfocused. Not worth it.


I have not, and will not have sex without a wedding ring and a husband. I'm realizing how rare this is, and how this above all is most important to me. I have had students ask me, "Miss Hughes, do you practice chastity?" My answer is always, "yes." And they are consistently shocked. A twentysomething, young, single female, how could this be? Like the other examples, I can simply not imagine myself acting any differently. I never want to share the most intimate of feelings with someone, and have to regret it. I don't want to make it to my wedding night and have memories of anyone else. Is it a challenge? Of course. I think that makes it all the more worth doing. 


These are my top three of things that make me crazy. Not in a judgmental way, and I hope my hate for the action, does not come off as hate for the person. Many, many people that I love have broken these three moral pillars for me, and I love them just the same. That will not change. 


I know I have high standards of morality, I know it's rare, and it's not going to change. I think that it's so overwhelmingly important that young Catholics show the world that our way of life is possible, and is enthusiastically livable - I am consistently happy. I think one of the most powerful tools is joy. Happy people make more happy people. I think back to the focus of the Gospel this Sunday, as it is the feast of his nativity - John the Baptist. His focus and joy for Christ were clear, beginning from his leap in his mother's womb at the mere proximity of his savior. The passage from Matthew's Gospel detailing John's appearance - 


John wore clothing made of camel’s hair
and had a leather belt around his waist.
His food was locusts and wild honey.


always gets me. He looked CRAZY, and ate bugs, and people listened to him because what he was saying was true and he meant it. I often feel as if people look at me like my life style is CRAZY. I only hope that the joy and meaning I have found in it make it appealing. 

In the sense of dating, I have pretty high standards. I will not settle. I am open to growth in a person, but a heart for God and for people is a non-negotiable. My discussion of "standards" with my best friend reminded me of a video that I originally saw when Lifeteen posted it. It is phenomenal, and titled "I will wait for you."

It features a young woman describing past relationship experiences, especially seeing others as "good enough" and thinking she could change them. She then goes on to describe how she is willing to wait for the right person and how she will know when she's found them. She says:

If I were to explain what you looked like, you would have to look like a star, a sun of the Son, I would gain energy simply from the light that you shine on me.

I would need you, in order to complete my photosynthesis.

I await your revelation but once again from the genesis,

I will wait for you...

And I will know you, because when you speak: 

I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom,

your ability to lead will remind me of Moses, 

your faith will remind me of Abraham, 

your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel, 

your inspiration will remind me of Paul, 

your heart for God will remind me of David, 

your attention to detail will remind me of Noah, 

your integrity will remind me of Joseph, 

and your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples, 

BUT your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of CHRIST.

But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews or any special Marks, ‘cause His Word will be tattooed all over your heart.

And you will know me, and you will find me, 

where the boldness of Esther, 

meets the warm closeness of Ruth, 

where the hospitality of Lydia, 

is aligned with the submission of Mary, 

which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hannah, 

I will be the one, drenched in Proverbs 31... waiting for you.

It's so beautiful. Particularly the part that says, "His Word will be tattooed all over your heart." Remarkable. I hope that I live in a way that suggests God's Word is embedded in my heart. And how attractive is that? An individual with the Word tattooed on their heart. Imagine how you'd know that to be true - in the way they live, talk, treat others, and work. 

amen.

I'm willingly to wait for this. I will not settle. And my standards will not sink. And I'm not sorry.

Pursuit.

I just came home from watching Snow White and the Huntsman with my roommate. On the way home I was sort of complaining about the way it ended. For those who haven't seen this film yet, maybe skip the following sentences. After being revived by her "true love's kiss" (the huntsman), she goes to defeat the evil queen and is crowned the new queen in the end. The movie ends with her seemingly waiting for the arrival of the huntsman at her coronation. You can tell in glimpses a few scenes after her and the huntsman meet, that there will most likely be something more between them. Despite a childhood "love," the huntsman is her true match, and continues to follow and protect her. Though you can assume that they end up "together" in the end, they hardly show it. That's what made me disappointed, that they didn't show their "love." Leave it to me - go to an action-y, fantasy, fairy tale movie - and expect a happy, love-y ending. 

I came home thinking about why this made me so disappointed. Why do I always look for the love story in movies. Why do silly, sappy, unrealistic tales like Twilight suck me in?

Then it hit me.

I want to be pursued. 

I have been mulling over this idea of pursuit in the past few weeks with some friends. The idea that a woman should be pursued, but should shy away from pursuing. I used to hate this idea. The idea that a man gets to decide who he desires and that's all that matters. However, upon reflecting on my shallow attempts at "pursuit," they always seems to hurt me more than they help. 

I want to be pursued.

I think back to the female lead in these movies and stories. Edward is willing to give up everything to protect Bella. Everything he does is to make her happy. Logan walks across the country to find Beth, the subject of the photo that found him in Iraq. He thinks and schemes ways to win her favor, protects her from harm, and fights for her. And the huntsman leads Snow White through the dark forest, protects her from harm, realizes he is doing so because of love for her, then fights harder. Pursues harder. 

I want to be pursued.

I am sick of feeling like I'm flailing in the pool of self-pity and single-hood. I see others around me happily settling, starting lives, or at least feeling wanted. I often feel none of that. 

I sat with these feelings for a moment, and then felt foolish. I am pursued. I am constantly being pursued, and have been since I took my first breath. I have a king who has fought for me in every single moment of my life - joy, despair, difficulty, ease, and utter hopelessness. I have been fought for. But do I recognize it?

I have a king who desires me, all of me, and nothing short of that. Jesus has been fighting for my heart before I could logically form a thought. Against all the evil "kings and queens"  I have encountered in my short life here, Jesus has fought for my heart, and more importantly for my soul. This world and so many things in it have been uniquely designed for my favor, and I fail to recognize it. God sends me picturesque landscapes because he knows how it feeds my soul. He gives me music that inspires me. He lends me people who make feel loved and appreciated. He fights for my favor. 

I feel ashamed that I so readily turn it aside. I think that it is "not enough" because there isn't a simple ring on my left hand. If I am not pursued by humanity, then I must be flawed. 

I have to reject this thought. I have to learn to see it for the falsity it manifests. 

My worth, my value lie not in the favor of another human, but in the favor of my God and King. 

He pursues me at every second, every moment of my existence. My prayer tonight is that this is enough for me. And that I can feel the value in this eternal pursuit.

The Sower and the Seeds

I should start by saying that this is not from today's reading, just something I've been sort of mulling over. We're getting into talking about some parables in my theology 9 class.
One that we're focusing on is the Parable of the Sower. It follows the Sower, or a farmer who seems to be traveling with seeds, going to plant them.
There are four "options" for how the seeds grow.
The first falls on the path, completely in the wrong spot. Seeds on a path, no hope. Before they are trampled by a passerby, they are eaten by birds.
The second bunch falls on rocky ground. The seedlings sprung up immediately, but when the sun shown bright they were scorched for lack of roots.
The third falls on soil, but grows among thorns. When the seedlings here grow up, they are strangled by the thorns and die.
Finally, some seed falls on rich soil and grows 30, 60, 100 fold. Accomplished.

Jesus then discusses the Parables with those listening, explains that they are not literal stories but more allegorical, or metaphorical. They have a deeper meaning, and those with "ears to hear" will understand. As a sort of heads up, he explains this particular parable to the crowd.

He says that the seeds and their growth are kind of like people and their lives.

The first seeds that fall on the path, are like those that hear the word of God without understanding it at all. It has no effect, and it is stolen away by evil before it ever reaches their heart. To me this is like those that are not open to the word of God; it never had a chance.
The second bunch on the rocky path at least is open. They hear the word of God and receive it with joy. However, when trial or tribulation comes (the scorching sun), they wither for lack of roots. Their faith was not founded, it was just an emotion. I think of this as the people who come to a church, love what they hear, but then walk out and nothing is different. Living the word of God is easier said then done.
The third group that is choked by thorns is like those that are overcome by the world. They try to live the faith, but the world gets the best of them. Be it a pursuit of money, fame, or fortune - something steals their joy. They gave it a shot, but could not withstand.
The final seedlings, grown in rich soil are the success stories. Their lives bear fruit. I think what is worth mentioning here is that they were planted in rich soil. They had the advantage from the start. Be it self-made rich soil, or something done for them - they were ready. I think of the advantage of growing up in a faithful family, having a welcoming church community, or having the blessing of a Catholic education. You are set up for success, yes - but you still have to work for it. Blessed are those have all this and take advantage of it.

The group that hits home with me right now is the seed sown on rocky path, that withers for lack of roots. This is what has been weighing heavily on my heart as of late. Relating to Stoughton Lifeteen, and sort of reflecting on what we need to do better (among other things) ...I don't think teens are understand the value and importance of the mass. Something is happening with our retention ability. They are like seedlings, who shoot up, but then wither. Our kids come to things like LIFT, or Steubenville, or even an occasional mass or life night - but when in the real world, they wither for lack of roots. A vulgar facebook status, the knowledge of another instance of teenage drinking, a shallow relationship that led to sex, or even a Sunday spent with no thought of attending mass - something is not clicking.

The word of God sounds good, but it doesn't stick.

To me, the mass is the key to all of this. To be honest, I don't care if we see a kid at countless life nights, or they attend retreats, as long as I know they are going to mass. But that simply isn't happening. Some kids we consider "regulars" are not even "regular" mass attendees. Something has to give, or I fear our program withers for lack of roots. We need to bring it back to the basics, the sacraments - and a love of teens that gets them there. I think my challenge to teens in the future who are struggling with their faith will be to just attend mass. Give God an hour a week, and see where he takes it. Sure worked for me.

To be continued...

Come home.

REFLECTION - Eucharist - Catholics Come Home

Been a Eucharist filled couple of days, I guess. Eucharistic adoration last night at LIFT, followed by daily mass this morning at St. John’s.

In today’s Gospel Jesus says, “For whoever is not against us is for us.” The pastor of St. John’s talked about parochial belief and how we all tend to be rather exclusive in our lives and in our churches. He talked about how in 2004, when the Archdiocese of Boston had to close and merge parishes, many were hurt and confused. He spoke on how the Catholic Church really stretches farther across the globe than any other organization (better than the U.N., etc), how we need to recognize and respect our brothers in sisters in Christ (whether they are fellow Catholics in different parishes, or even fellow Christians in different churches), and how we are all called to avoid bigotry and live respect.

Well, now its 2011. This Lent launches the Catholics Come Home campaign in the Archdiocese of Boston. And so, I say to all the Catholics who have fallen away from the Church,

“Come home.”

Jesus, is calling YOU home. Jesus desires to be with you. Particularly, Jesus, present in the Eucharist, tells you to return, to come home. The forgiveness of our Lord is far, FAR greater than any degree of sin or separation. You have never done, and will never do anything to sinful for the Father to forgive. He is greater than any sin, any mistake, and any concern you may have with the teachings of the Catholic Church. We must never think we are too sinful, too “bad,” that we don’t belong or will not be welcome in a Church. It is not so. Jesus has won! He is victorious over sin and death! Your sinfulness pales in comparison to the love and glory of the Father. He overshadows all evil, all of our evil.

Come home, come home, come home.

Come and find rest in the arms of the Father. Come and find a peace you have never imagined. I have found my peace - the peace of Christ. Regardless of any problem, I know and trust that I can run into the arms of my Father and find comfort and peace. No problem too great, no situation too stressful. Jesus has defeated it, God will hold you through it, He will be your strength. People will fail you, money may run out, and our world is certainly broken - but God is greater. He is perfect. He is strength for those who call upon Him and for those who simply fall into His arms when they have spent all their energy and emotion.

Come back to the Church, but far more importantly - come back to God. His arms are open wide, ready to pour forth forgiveness. He is overflowing in mercy. Take one step towards Him and he will walk a mile to you.

Let God love you with a love far greater and far more powerful than one you could ever dream of.

transfiguration, realization.

Saturday 2/19's mass readings;

Hebrews 11:1-7

Psalm 145: 2-5, 10-11

Mark 9:2-13

First off, I love this reading from Hebrews. This is one of the first readings that when I really started reading the Bible (at a Bible study, freshman year at BC, when the only Bible I had to really read from was a study Bible for class), I was able to remember.

Faith is the realization of what is hoped for, and evidence of things unseen.

A perfect definition of faith. We will realize what we have hoped for. We must hope for heaven! And not only just hope - we must confidently hope for eternal life in heaven! Aside from beautiful hope, faith is also evidence of things unseen. We often cannot see the mysterious, Godly, things that go on around us. That being said, we cannot doubt that they are happening - for we see their fruits. I spend hours each week trying to plant seeds of faith in middle school and high school aged youth. I often cannot see the faith that is taking root in their hearts, but I cannot doubt that it is. (Which reminds me of Archbishop Oscar Romero's great prayer - "Prophets of a Future Not Our Own.)

Next - the Gospel reading. The Transfiguration. Let it be said, I never really understood the point of this. Yes, Jesus shines in blinding white. Yes, it proves His divinity. Clearly He is holy, glorious, almighty, and just amazing. But I already knew that, right?

When I went to mass on Saturday morning (at St. John's in Canton, MA - who's pastor does a WONDERFUL job of explaining the readings and their significance), I finally understood at least a little more. This event comes (2 days) after the Gospel when Jesus asks, "Who do people say that I am?" and Peter responds correctly, "You are the Christ." But, then when Jesus explains what must happen to him, Peter says that he will never let that happen. Jesus responds, "Get behind me, Satan." The disciples STILL didn't understand who He was. Yes, he was the Christ and would save His people, but they didn't fully understand from what.

To try and make them understand, he reveals His true divinity. He is transfigured. He reveals His glory. Hopefully now they will understand and believe when He is resurrected.

How often do we see Jesus' glory and not recognize it? Let us SEE and BELIEVE. When we see the glory of Christ in our daily lives - in our ministries, in our families, through our friends - we have so many opportunities to see Christ moving and working in our lives. How often do we see, recognize how amazing it is, and then go on unchanged.

Lord, give us eyes of faith. Help us to see Your glory.

less than perfect, more than flesh and bone

I'm super behind on where I should be with the daily readings, so it's likely I won't comment on all the days.

But I had to write about one of my favorite verses in the Old Testament. From today's first reading:

“This one, at last, is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
this one shall be called ‘woman,’
for out of ‘her man’ this one has been taken.”

I went to a Theology of the Body workshop in the early Fall, and one of the breakout session coordinators talked a little about this phrase. She really made me see the absolute beauty in this passage. First of all - TOB is a beautiful topic, based on a series of speeches by (soon to be BLESSED!) Pope John Paul II. It paints human sexuality in the beautiful light it was intended to be seen in.

This phrase comes after Adam sees his true mate for the first time. Imagine the relief, after being created in solitude, having a line of animals paraded by him - of course, none of them right for him - he find the perfect mate. Designed from the very moment of her creation, perfect for her mate. Imagine the feeling. Imagine the sigh of relief and delight. "At last, this one is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh." She is mine. And not territorially, his. But perfectly equal and forever to be loved.

And people say the creation story is "outdated" and "useless"...this moment is so easily missed if you are not careful. What beauty you'd overlook!