12/7/12

9 days until I have lived a quarter century. So many things I wanted accomplished in my life by now, and yet so many more things I have ambition to accomplish in time.

On account of the Feast of the Immaculate Conception falling on a Saturday this year, our school Mass today was based on the feast day of St. Ambroise rather than the Marian feast. The Gospel read this morning always catches me off guard, and contains one of my favorite lines in the New Testament.

Jesus is about to heal people, but first stops to ask them, "Do you believe that I can do this?"

It's so unexpected. Jesus knows he can do it, their belief in him does not make him any more or any less divine and capable of miracles. Yet he still asks.

Hearing this line again makes me think about the nature of prayer. When we pray, do we really believe that God has the power to change our circumstance? Or do we use prayer as a last-ditch effort to get what we want, but don't believe will actually happen? Do we pray on a whim, thinking, "Hey, it's worth a shot"?

I know I've certainly felt those ways before. I think it has part to do with our level of self-worth and part with how much we believe that God really is on our side and that he is really all-powerful. I know there are certain things that I constantly pray for, but in the back of my head there is the lingering voice of doubt. "Will this ever even happen?" "Am I praying correctly?" "Maybe, I'm not praying hard enough." "Does God even hear me?"

So many uncertainties, so much doubt.

Maybe an essential aspect of prayer that some of us miss, myself mostly, is the idea that we need to believe in what we are praying for. We need to envision that God will come to our rescue, that God does have our best in mind, and that he wills our happiness and fulfillment.

I have such a hard time believing that I am worthy of good and that God is hearing and working on what I'm asking of him (even if it's not the way I envisioned it).

I know there is one thing in particular that I pray hard for, I need to start really believing that it WILL happen. I try to imagine Jesus asking me the same question, "Lindsey, do you really believe that I can do this?"

"...Yes, Lord. I'm trying."